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Saturday, April 22, 2006

My Inner Redneck

My wife and I saw a billboard the other day advising us to "Release Your Inner Redneck." It was an advertisement for a radio station and involved a guy in a cowboy hat, so it clearly was not aimed at me in any case except that I was driving there and did see the sign and so even if I wasn't the target, I could reasonably have misconstrued the statement as addressing me.

"I can see a blog coming on," quoth my wife.

Good point, wife.

So. So, so, so...sooooooooooooooo...

OK.

I have an inner child. And a female side. I have a sense of adventure and feel for the game. I've got feet down below my knees. But I have no inner redneck.

Is "inner redneck" a step more sophisticated than "inner caveman"? Like your inner caveman wants to hunt and your inner redneck wants to hunt road signs? Your inner caveman likes professional boxing and your inner redneck likes professional wrestling? Like your inner caveman is one and your inner redneck is seven - inner caveman is the universal common factor and inner redneck is a little more specialized and doesn't go into everything evenly?

If I had an inner redneck, I would have a hard time admitting to liking NASCAR and Toby Keith. They would occupy a room deep inside my soul with the Pussycat Dolls and Culture Club. Now, I'm not saying I like the Pussycat Dolls or Culture Club, but I flatter myself that I'm pretty self-aware and know that certain horrible things lurk deep within me without my permission. I take inventory of these things. And although I will not admit the specific existence of anything in this room, I will give you a peak inside: no NASCAR, no Toby Keith.

I do have a couple of concerns about releasing one's inner redneck. First of all, what if you let it out and it won't come back in? I have a cat like that. I think she's an indoor cat and she disagrees. On those occasions when she escapes the confines of my house, she is really difficult to recapture by force, bribery or guile. She doesn't want to be in the house. I'm pretty sure if I had an inner redneck he would be so relieved to be out that he would run amok, raping and pillaging, voting on moral issues.

And what if you shrunk or your inner redneck ate a bunch of freedom fries while he was out and he simply did not fit when it came time for him to reenter your self? Does he become a redneck spirit, adrift on American Pride?

I had a homosexual friend in college who apparently decided later he was straight. It doesn't work that way. You just can't get back in the closet once you're out.

My other concern is the state of my inner redneck. If I had one I could not release him because he would be one badass inner redneck. He would be David Duke Van Zant. He would have survived Public Enemy, the Sunday New York Times, NPR, opera season tickets and an overeducated wife. If that doesn't kill your inner redneck, you need to keep him sequestered or he'll overrun the East Village.

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