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Friday, January 11, 2008

The Posedown - NFL Divisional Playoffs

Last Week
Bill 3-1
Van 2-2

Playoffs
Bill 3-1
Van 2-2

This being the playoffs and all, last week was the one chance where one of us was likely to pick differently than the other.

Bill gambled on the Giants and won because he’s a lucky (expletive) and he knows it.

Bill: Glass houses, brother.  Glass houses.  If you don’t like the “I dunno, they might win” rationale, then you should not use it so much.

See, the hard part now will be making up what is essentially a two-game hole with three weeks of playoff football left and precious few upset opportunities left…unless, of course, we get some magic this weekend.

Bill: WOW.  We started over for the playoffs.  Since most of you don’t know Van the Yak-licking Bastard very well, I will let you behind the curtain.  He unilaterally institutes rules with metronomic precision, and this the very first one that has ever worked out for me.  It is not important that my rules also do not work out for me.  It is only important that Van is a Yak-licking Bastard.

Meanwhile, in the story of the moment, I’m just LOVIN’ me some Clemens/McNamee catfighting! Seriously, you just gotta love McNamee’s lawyers here…these guys are sharks smelling HGH-enriched blood in the water and they can’t wait to rip ol’ Cy-to-tha-7 a new one. In the latest round of jousting, McNamee’s mouthpieces all but called The Rajah a yellow-bellied scumbag for secretly taping a conversation that he (Clemens) initiated, and continued to demand that said tape be subpoenaed into whatever court they obviously cannot wait to get into.

Clemens, meanwhile, comes off looking like both bully and bee-yotch, which is pretty difficult to do, unless one is contorting himself like Neo in The Matrix while trying to avoid accusations that will eventually hit home. First off, what the blue hell is he doing calling a federal witness and trying to get him to change his tune? Doesn’t New York City have a guy who knows a guy who knows how to make a witness plead the Fifth/have a fatal shoelacing accident before court?

Second, dude…taping the convo secretly? Apparently, there is some real truth to the theory that steroid usage shrinks the nards, because that was just sackless.

Third, what the blue hell is he bullying McNamee for, anyway? The guy he needs to take out back is Andy Sellout, er, Pettitte, because it was Pettitte’s confession that made McNamee look like he was speaking ex cathedra when he outed Clemens.

Bill: First of all, good term.  It seems like every time I have to look up something you write, it’s ecclesiastical.  I, of course, am not an early adopter and don’t think this Jesus stuff is going to catch on.  Then it won’t be upgradeable to the next generation religion and I will have to start over from scratch.

Now then, my boy Doc went to law school.  He was “Doc” before law school, and after he became a lawyer it was just too late to change his nickname to “Dickcheese” or “Earwig” (Hey, Van, can I say “Dickcheese” on our blog?).  Anyway, he said that after learning law, he would never so much as say hello to a police officer again, and if ever accosted, questioned or molested in any way, he would advise a person to say nothing but “I want a lawyer.”

Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
I want a lawyer.
Could you describe the one-armed man?
I want a lawyer.
Can I get you something to drink?
I want a lawyer.
Some warm milk, perhaps?
I want a lawyer.
Ovaltine?
I want a lawyer.
McLovin?  That’s a cool name.
I want a lawyer.

So this is what Kato Kaelin, erm, Brian McNamee needs to do:  Every time Clemens opens his mouth, every time he denies, impugns, does absolutely anything except confess or just keep his mouth shut, he needs to say “sue me, bitch.”

It was B-12 and lidocaine.
Sue me, bitch.
I thought we were friends, dude.
Sue me, bitch.
I don't need the Hall of Fame to justify that I put my butt on the line and I worked my tail off, and I defy anybody to say I did it by cheating or taking any shortcuts, OK?
Sue me, bitch.
I just need someone to tell the truth here, Mac.
Then sue me, bitch.

Now Clemens has sued him.  I will cover bets for anyone, Warren Buffett, T. Boone Pickens, Van Walker, anyone who thinks that this ever gets to trial.  Clemens is like one of those lizards with the big frills, trying to make himself look big and fearsome, when in fact if you just walk up to him and try to eat him, he has no choice but to run away.

Anyway, here’s my two cents on the Divisional Round. You can find Bill’s pearls of wisdom here, but I’m guessing he likes the Pats and the Colts at home.

What, did I ruin the surprise?

New York Giants @ Dallas
Bill – Dallas
Van – Dallas
I was not terribly surprised that the Giants won last weekend. I will be terribly surprised if they win this weekend. I don’t care if T.O. is playing on Long John Silver’s barnacled peg-leg, the Cowboys still have better receivers than the Giants. And I have no trouble believing that Marion The Sledgehammer Barber, Flozell Adams, and the rest of that Cowboy O-line will blunt some of that Giant pass rush better than stout-hearted but overmatched Earnest Graham could. As far as the QBs go? One of them has to match last week’s effort, difficult at best given his career Dow-Jonesing, but against a much stouter defense. One of them just got back from having Jessica Simpson’s feet in the air in Mexico. How ‘bout them Cowboys, indeed…(NOTE: This is why I love Dan Patrick. Apparently, his nickname for Jessica Simpson is…wait for it…Yoko Romo. Classic.)

Bill: Actually, unless I see something dramatic to change my mind this weekend, you can just mark me down for chalk.  It’s true I had relatively little basis to take the G-men last week (having better talent that might show up Any Given Sunday is not exactly hard-hitting analysis), but here exactly lies the difference between the ‘Boys and the Bucs – the eyeball test.  If you watch them play, you come away thinking the Bucs are not very good and the Cowboys are.  In a normal year, a team as good as this one would be the favorite to win the Super Bowl, but in this, the Year of the Patriot (this is the extra critter in the Chinese-American zodiac), they have to fight and claw their way to the last base camp, never to see the summit.

Seattle @ Green Bay
Bill – Green Bay
Van – Green Bay
So, there we were last weekend, in Seattle, in the middle of a real, live football comeback when the Cartoon Law of Gravity up and smacks the ‘Skins across their stereotypical schnozzola. They had just taken the lead when, oops! Oh, that’s right…we’re the team that sucked WITH Sean Taylor playing lights out. Joe Gibbs, we hardly knew ye… and thank you, $haun Alexander, for openly lobbying to get your number called a few less times. Really, it must be tough lugging the football and all those sacks of cash you stole from Paul Allen, so I kinda see your point. Green Bay’s grunts will let Ryan Grant do the Lambeau Leap all afternoon, setting up the only NFC championship game that matters. Anything other than Pack vs. ‘Boys will be “must avoid” t.v.

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