Blog
Friday, December 28, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 17
Last Week
Bill 9-7
Van 8-8
Season
Bill – 145-89
Van – 149-85
Just wondering: exactly what will Bill Parcells be in charge of, down in Miami?
I’ve done a lot of reading on the subject, and, apparently, Bill gets to pick the next G.M. and head coach of the Dolphins...but he won’t actually be on the field himself, nor will he actually pick the players himself.
So, just so I’m clear: you’re bringing in a guy with a proven track record of coaching ‘em up and picking ‘em up...and he’s not going to be coaching or picking?
This for a mere pittance of over $3 MILLION PER ANNUM?
Meanwhile, Bill Ford Jr. continues to pay Matt Millen for only (insert Deity/Higher Power of Choice) knows what...the Cardinals haven’t won anything in forever, or as long as a Bidwill has held the team deed, the Niners haven’t won since Eddie DeBartolo got exiled to the Isle of Elba, Cincinnati and Baltimore are utter messes, and we won’t even start on Oakland.
Bill: That’s two Eddie DeBartolo references in one week. I believe that signifies the winds of change blowing off the Bay.
I am in the WRONG line of work. Nevertheless, I soldier on.
Bill: Out of either pity or spite, I nominate you as the new Lions GM. I believe you know your way around town.
New England @ New York Giants
Bill – New England
Van – New England
Folks, it’s real simple: New England wins this game because it is their Manifest Destiny to go undefeated. The only real drama here is whether Congress (!!) gets involved in the current pissing contest between the NFL-N and Time-Warner (a/k/a Comcast)...because THE GAME won’t be on regular t.v. or regular cable. I mean, it ain’t like we don’t have other pressing needs for Congress (!!) to solve, like a war, a deficit, education, poverty, or drugs...or anything...
Bill: What you mean “we,” white man? You realize you live in South Korea, right? So when you complain about what Congress is doing, you’re talking about elected representatives who do not represent you? You don’t pay U.S. income tax. You’re like CNN Europe – just a little too excited to point out the stupid *&%$ done by the U.S. Government since it’s not your problem and, frankly, if you don’t live here it is pretty funny. I don’t think Eli can beat Brady at anything. I’m not even sure he has superior genes. I think he’s adopted.
Buffalo @ Philadelphia
Bill – Buffalo
Van – Philadelphia
Boy, Donovan McNabb’s leg sure looks a lot better now than it did in September...kinda like a guy auditioning for the next big paycheck because he knows his days in Philly are numbered. And rest assured, he will get a next big paycheck, because there are too many teams with pressing needs at QB (Chicago, Miami, Kansas City, Minnesota, San Francisco, Carolina, Jets, and points west...) to ignore a veteran with his ability...even if he hasn’t completed a full season in like forever.
Bill: Before we go any further – like the Mitchell Report, your list of teams needing quarterbacks should be considered a partial list. To overuse a moribund studio host platitude, this is a matchup of two teams headed in opposite directions. The Bills have a sparkling bright future. They were competitive with very little talent. Supposing they add a little talent? The Iggles were not particularly competitive with quite a bit of talent. O when that talent leaves the sinking ship, it’s called an exodus, and then they will suck, and then Andy Reid will get a good solid block of time to try out fatherhood.
Seattle @ Atlanta
Bill – Seattle
Van – Seattle
Uncertainty? What uncertainty? Rich McKay has spent the entire season hoisted on his own petard (look it up, Bill) as a result of his brutal decisions to trade Matt Schaub and hire Bobby The Bastard. That pink slip from Arthur Blank’s own hand can’t get here soon enough for McKay. Meanwhile, rumors continue to swirl that Craig Stadler’s long lost twin will be the new G.M. in San Francisco...which must help current Niners G.M. and head coach Mike Nolan sleep soundly at night. It sez so right here that none of the Falcons even bother returning to Flowery Branch after the game.
Bill: The Falcons’ season played out like Sophocles. Things just keep going wrong, people keep dying, but in such ironic fashion that it becomes more comic than tragic. I would like to congratulate the half-dozen or so surviving Falcons, because it’s a bad, bad man almost completely free of hubris that survives a true Greek tragedy. One more raw, legitimate beating and the Dirty Birds can go home and sleep it off until next season. Only the Oracle knows what happens then.
New Orleans @ Chicago
Bill – New Orleans
Van – Chicago
It’s the last game of the year. My beloved Bears haven’t given me much reason to cheer this season, with the delightful exception of sweeping the hated Green Bay Packers...again. New Orleans can get in with a win and...well, let’s just stop right there. New Orleans could have helped themselves a couple of months ago with a couple of wins against a couple of tomato cans. They didn’t help themselves then. They won’t help themselves now. The Bears have suddenly remembered that they really, really like playing in cold weather, and the Saints will be left asking “What if?”
Bill: I am four games behind Van and consequently we need to disagree on something. We agree that the Saints should have beaten bad teams when they had the chance and that the Bears are disappointing and that it is cold in Chicago in December. So we have to disagree on the outcome of this game. Although I believe that the Bears will win this, I can make a case for the Saints. Don’t *&$% with the Catholic Church. F’real.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
Bill – Tampa Bay
Van – Tampa Bay
Way to inspire the confidence, Chuckie. Have you not learned from the examples of Tony Dungy and Bill Belichick, fellow Super Bowl coaches, who are NOT slowing down as the playoffs approach? Stinking out the joint in the name of saving your players is a great way to enter the postseason flatter than George Bush’s brain scan (sorry...I just can’t resist). I think he gets the message this week, but still...Carolina, meanwhile, should have an APB out for whoever stole Julius Peppers and replaced him with this slow, small, completely uninspired Pod Person at defensive end.
Bill: The best thing about this game is that Van and I no longer have to make stuff up to say about the Panthers. Go get a quarterback and wake us up when it’s 2008.
Detroit @ Green Bay
Bill – Green Bay
Van – Green Bay
Boy, the Lions have some timing, don’t they? They get to play Green Bay...in Lambeau...in December...a week after the Packers screwed themselves out of a shot at home field advantage. I’m betting these Packers come out to prove that yes, they really can play well in cold weather BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE PACKERS DO. Meanwhile, for my friends in Detroit, keep replaying that hilarious audio clip of Jon “Post Concussion Syndrome” Kitna guaranteeing 10 wins and a playoff slot...while you’re throwing that noose over the crossbeam in the attic. Bill Ford Jr. and James Dolan MUST be related somehow, because these are arguably the two worst run franchises in their respective leagues, and yet these owners can’t seem to realize that their hand-picked G.M.s are largely the reason for their teams’ lethargy. That, or both Matt Millen and Isaiah Thomas are members of the same Santeria cult and have put a mojo on their owners...
Bill: All right, sure. The Leos lost six games in a row – if you do the math, this is the equivalent of a 60 game losing streak in baseball (my overeducated wife would probably take issue with my simplistic math, but my version is funnier than the truth). That’s a lot of losing. On the other hand, after they lose this game they will be 7-9. Any true Lions fan would have gratefully accepted such a proposition before the season. They would have accepted it with bowing, scraping, hosannas to Mr. Matthew Millen. If they had simply spread their seven wins over a greater area, their general suckitude would have been far less visible. As inept as the Lions are, the Knicks are both inept and immoral, which makes them worse.
St. Louis @ Arizona
Bill – St. Louis
Van – Arizona
I got nothin’. If you know of anyone watching this game on purpose, do an intervention immediately because that person has GOT to have a gambling problem. There is no other reason why any sane person would willingly watch this meaningless affair. Seriously, if you love that person, do them a favor and get them help.
Bill: This is a wayyyyy better game than the Chefs and the Jets. Half of it will be good – when the Cards are on offense and the Rams are…doing whatever it is they do. That’s entertainment. If you are miserable enough to be stuck in one of these markets (better than the Chefs and Jets, but worse than every other game combined), you can use the other half of the game to take down Christmas lights, feign interest in your family, shovel snow, however you do.
Dallas @ Washington
Bill – Washington
Van – Washington
Washington needs this game a LOT more than the ‘Boys do, so their starters will go all 60 minutes. Wade Phillips will play his starters for a half, or until he sees Julius Jones miss a block on a blitz pickup...and then it’ll be ballcaps and tee shirts for his first string for the rest of the game.
Bill: I disagreed on games here for the sake of disagreeing, but this is textbook. There is a gross imbalance of give-a-crapness here. You hate to see the team with the best shot of upending the Patriots limp into the postseason, but they probably will.
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