Blog
Friday, December 14, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 15
Last Week
Bill: 11-5
Van: 11-5
Season
Bill: 126-76
Van: 130-72
Usually, the last three weeks of an NFL season are lots of fun to watch because there are multiple playoff scenarios at work in virtually every game, with lots of at-or-over .500 teams battling lots of at-or-under .500 teams for a wild card spot.
This season will be no exception. Of particular interest will be the matchups between Pittsburgh and Jacksonville, and Cleveland and Buffalo, which you will find being discussed in great detail here. Unfortunately, you’ll also get a lot of Bill whining about how he’ll never catch me this season or some such tripe, but hey, it’s that or pop-up ads for, er, crank enlargements and FREE DELL LAPTOPS!!
Bill: If I could imbed a pop-up here that said something insightful like “BILL RULES, VAN DROOLS!” then I would. I’ll have to check with my web guy. Web guy?
Cincinnati @ San Francisco
Bill: Cincinnati
Van: Cincinnati
Hard to believe, given the depths to which these formerly-proud franchises have plunged, but once upon a time, these two teams played one of the greatest Super Bowls ever, highlighted by Joe Montana’s 92-yard game-winning touchdown drive that started with less than two minutes to play in regulation. Now? Half of the Bengals’ ticket allotments for family and friends go to parole and probation officers, while Chad Johnson puts on a fresh blackface for his latest minstrel show (“Yowza, yowza, yowza!”). On the Niners sideline, Alex Smith and Mike Nolan have formed a mutual “I’m kicking your ass on sight!” club because each man believes that the other sabotaged this season and put a young career in jeopardy…and, in an oddly Confuscian way, both are right…
Bill: That’s blackface? Well, you can hardly blame the guy. If everyone knew he was white, he would wind up a slot receiver and commentators would bang on about his great hands and route-running and grittiness. Maybe this is a reliable test of racial embarrassment – if the guy was white and doing his best Black folk routine, would you kick his ass for it? If the answer is yes, then perhaps you should kick his ass regardless of color because he is an embarrassment to humankind.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Bill: Tampa Bay
Van: Tampa Bay
What, did the Arkansas Razorbacks teleport Bobby Petrino to their campus after he announced his resignation from the Atlanta Falcons? Man, that was quick! And will the last rat to bolt from this franchise please turn out the lights? DeAngelo Hall, the alleged cornerback for the Dirty Birds, was seen on the field telling New Orleans coach Sean Payton that he’d play for the Saints for the minimum next season, if it would get him out of Atlanta. You can’t make this stuff up. (And really, can anyone recall seeing so many franchises go absolutely belly-up in one season? By my count, we are now up to ELEVEN and counting…geez…)
Bill: After watching the press conference with Arthur Blank and Rich McKay, I am left with nothing but sympathy for the Atlanta Falcons. This is a team, in Week 15, still waiting for something to go right. You might forgive them for mailing this in, for mailing in the last three games, but I doubt you will see that. Look for the Falcons to make a strong run at the Bucs here – the only reason they will not win this game is because, in the end, they just don’t have the horses.
Seattle @ Carolina
Bill: Seattle
Van: Seattle
Speaking of franchises fighting for spots to circle the drain from, this brings us to the Headless Horsemen of the NFC South, the Cah’lina Panthuhs. With the possible exception of Chicago, no team has suffered more from abysmal quarterback play than the Panthers, so much so that Vinnie Testaverde still represents their best chance at winning. Apropos of nothing at all, the Seahawks win convincingly.
Bill: I think San Francisco would gratefully accept the Bears’ quarterbacking at this point. What galls me here is the “Can Seattle win the NFC” talk that is starting to circulate. No. Hell, no. Dear Crackheads, Seattle will have to travel to Green Bay and then to Dallas to win the NFC. I’m not sure the Patriots could win in Green Bay and Dallas in back-to-back weeks, and much as Liechtenstein is not the United States, the Seahawks are not the Patriots.
Green Bay @ St. Louis
Bill: Green Bay
Van: Green Bay
Then there’s the St. Louis Lambs, stuck with playing the broken (Marc Bulger) or the befuddled (Gus Frerotte), with the results being as reliable as a Clinton’s perfidy or a Bush’s ineptitude. These guys have been stuck on stupid all season long and the last three games can’t end fast enough. The Packers, meanwhile, have themselves a nice, easy walk-through as they prepare for the playoffs.
Bill: Which Clinton would that be? Stay tuned as Van and I comment on the 2008 presidential election. A warning, though: he’s a Republican. Shhh. I remember, at the tail end of the fiscal fiasco known as the Carter Administration, my father would make fun of my mother, calling her a Democrat. I did not understand, exactly, but I certainly got the implication, which was that a Democrat was a person too stupid to successfully process the world around them. I wonder if George W. Bush is doing the same thing for the term “Republican” for another generation of still politically unaware children. Packers/Rams? Are you serious? Why would the Rams have a chance in this game? If anyone even shows up to the Jones Dome, it will be to see Brett Favre on his likely last trip under the arch.
Arizona @ New Orleans
Bill: New Orleans
Van: New Orleans
So, uh, hows that whole Reggie Bush thing workin’ out down there in the Crescent City? Not to pick on ol’ Reg, what with him being broken and the guys from the Downtown Athletic Club asking for a certain piece of hardware to be returned immediately, but the next long run he breaks off will be his first…and apparently it won’t happen this season. But that’s what happens when you expect Dante Hall to be Earl Campbell. As for Arizona, it just doesn’t matter how many yards Kurt Warner throws for because (insert Deity/Higher Power of choice) just hates the Cardinals, period. The man threw like it was 1999 (thanks, Prince) and got picked 5 times…because that big-money free agent RB the Colts cut loose ran like he was chest-deep in a mud-hole (13 carries, 46 yards).
Bill: This game should be fun, an old school WAC shootout where nobody even pretends to play defense. The over/under on the game should be in the 70’s. Meanwhile, in Ann Arbor…the Michigan administration, like my buddy Neil unmindful of the embarrassment of constant rejection, thinks Sean Payton would make a fine UM football coach, and perhaps he would be willing to take a 60% pay cut to do it. I wish they would call me so that I could tell them “no,” too.
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Bill: Dallas
Van: Dallas
It’s all but done in Philly. After weeks of counseling and sleeping in the guest room down the hall, Donovan McNabb left a note that he’ll be staying at his mother’s house, eating Campbell’s Chunky to console himself, while Andy Reid stays out all night drinking with his single friends in full-on drunken misogynist mode. One of Donovan’s friends will come by later this week to pick up his stuff, and will accidentally leave something poignant behind, something that was special to Donovan and Andy, that will send Andy off on a 40-minute crying jag. And after they see Wade Phillips and Tony Romo having the relationship that they used to have, both will have to be kept away from pills, belts, and sharp objects for at least a week.
Bill: In the interest of full disclosure, Van is the creepy guy at work, hanging around the fake plants like a pilot fish, waiting for something to go wrong in the relationship so that he can pounce on the vulnerable jiltee. Van thinks he wants McNabb as a Bear, but only because he is so desperate and sad. If McNabb starts the last three games (hardly a surety), he will be averaging exactly 12 games a year during his career. See, there are 16 games in a season. McNabb has been unable to witness them all since 2003. With Grossman and Griese gone, that means that Kyle Freakin’ Orton, the guy that Van is about to lovingly describe relative to the Bears-Vikes game, will be strapping it on several times. Van also assumes that McNabb is not Steve McNair, a once-proud warrior whose relative age is like 80 and despite pipe dreams to the contrary, is simply unable ever to be healthy again. Eagles/Cowboys? Are you serious? Why would the Eagles have a chance in this game?
Washington @ New York Giants
Bill: The New York Football Giants
Van: New York Giants
In what has become the Year of the Relic, the Redskins have dusted off the latest answer to a trivia question, Todd Collins (Question: Just who the hell is Todd Collins and why is he playing meaningful football now?). Meanwhile, here’s hoping that someone on the Redskins staff is keeping Hall-of-Famer Joe Gibbs up to speed on this new-fangled game of football, like, say, letting him in on the plan, or, perhaps, reminding him of how many timeouts he can actually use in a game (“They don’t just let you pit whenever you want here?” “That’s NASCAR, Coach.” “Really? Huh. Sounds like a car wreck out there most days…”). The Giants will win in spite of Eli Manning.
Bill: Expecting to see Mark Brunell after Jason Campbell went down, I was a little surprised when they trotted out Todd Collins. In fact, I asked my wife, “Is that Todd Collins Todd Collins? Like the Michigan guy who played for the Bills last century?” My wife did not answer me because she has no idea what I am talking about and wishes I would just shut up while she is trying to study. Meanwhile, I went to look up Eli to defend him and it turns out he is the league’s 23rd-rated passer, a slot behind Brian Griese. So I concur with Van. The Giants win this despite Eli’s inability to tie his own shoes.
Chicago @ Minnesota
Bill: Minnesota
Van: Minnesota
I hate myself for saying this, but the Vikings suddenly look the way the Bears should have looked this season: smash-mouth defense, smash-mouth running game, young-but-improving-before-your-very-eyes QB. Instead, we are left with a defense that belongs on a table in a M.A.S.H. unit, a running game that resembles nothing as much as a gentle trot, and saints preserve us, things have gotten so bad in Chicago that Lovie Smith has resorted to Kyle Orton. No. Really. Kyle Orton. I ain’t sure which is worse: being forced to start Kyle (10 Completions) Orton, or being at the hospital and discovering that the warm Gatoraid you just drank wasn’t warm Gatoraid…
Bill: Dear Van: That whole warm Gatorade thing is not really universal human experience. Please check with me in the future if you are unsure.
< back |
