Blog
Friday, December 7, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 14
Last Week
Bill: 8-7
Van: 9-6
Season
Bill: 115-71
Van: 119-67
To recap: both the Bears and the Broncos managed to embarrass their respective fan bases last weekend, Bill lost to me again, and the Patriots won again.
In other words, we have now returned to what passes for normalcy around here…but that’s not what I came to talk to you about.
The Detroit Tigers just pulled off a HUUUUGE trade, stealing Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera for…I’m not sure what for, actually. Something about a signed Willie Horton baseball card and one of Jim Leyland’s old cigarette butts, but you’d think one or two of the latter was still stuck in a corner of the manager’s office down in south Florida.
Seriously, this is the biggest baseball trade in years and it absolutely Godzilla-stomps anything coming out of the Johan-Santana-For-The-Crown-Jewels corner. The Tigers added a Cy Young-quality lefty for nothing. They still have Jeremy Bonderman, Justin Verlander, and Joel Zumaya, and they have resigned Kenny Rogers. No matter who gets Santana, the Tigers can now go as deep in aces as anyone else in the American League, with classic lefty-righty balance through the rotation. Better yet, the Tigers added a power-hitting third baseman in his prime. All that means is protection for Gary Sheffield in the lineup, a hundred runs scored for guys like Carlos Guillen and Placido Polanco, and a Ricky Henderson-like year for speed merchant Curtis Granderson.
Jim Leyland has already proven that he can win with talent, and now he has a whole bunch of new toys to play with. The Tigers and the Indians just became must-watch baseball.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bill and I are still quibbling about who will win and who will lose. Let me settle that one for ya: Bill will lose. You can see for yourself right here.
I will win. Quoting Doc Holliday, “Proceed, suh.”
Bill: Isn’t that actually quoting Val Kilmer? How about, “Ok, calm down, let's just take a step back... No wait, take a step forward... Now take a step back... And a step forward.. And now we're Cha Cha-ing.”
Chicago @ Washington
Bill: Chicago
Van: Chicago
As much as I dislike the Bears for being a dysfunctional franchise, they are not coming into an extremely short work week following the funeral of a teammate. It has been widely reported in the Chicago media that the Bears organization, showing unusual class, volunteered to move the game to Sunday, being sensitive to the emotional needs of the Redskins organization, as well as understanding the utter lack of preparation they’d have following a funeral…but that the idea was shot down by the league because of…wait for it…television concerns. I just don’t see the Redskins overcoming such a large hurdle, and more’s the pity.
Bill: The National Football League missed this one. Roger Goodell went to the funeral, eulogized Sean Taylor, and then could not figure out how to throttle down the greed spigot long enough to give the ‘Skins a couple of days. Perhaps he was thinking that for 127 year-old Joe Gibbs, every day counts. I realize that everyone wants to give the guy a pass because of the tragic circumstance in which his team finds itself, but seriously, every single NFL head coach absolutely must know all the rules that I know. The Redskins were a team in disarray even before the Taylor shooting, and heavy hearts rarely heal in four days. Even the semi-pro Bears should be able to press this advantage.
Dallas @ Detroit
Bill: Dallas
Van: Dallas
Really, what is there to write about this game? Dallas is going to whup the stink off the Lions, and no amount of analysis can paint a prettier picture than that. On the other hand, I did come up with a really cool concept: Albus Dumbledore, Mustrum Ridcully, and Gandalf in a Fatal Three-Way for the W.W.E Heavyweight Championship of Wizarding, no holds or spells barred, with Merlin as special guest referee. The early line out of Vegas has Ridcully favored at 3-2, followed by Gandalf at 3-1 and Dumbledore at 6-1…largely because, although Gandalf did beat a Balrog single-handed, Ridcully isn’t afraid to use a chair shot to win.
Bill: This is a shameless ploy to curry my sister’s favor, but I won’t play your dork games. On the other hand, I have nothing to say about this impending beatdown, so…Dumbledore wins this without even straining himself. Gandalf’s win over the Balrog was a combination of balls and luck, neither of which I am discounting, but in a true spelldown, we have no evidence that that he can do anything really cool. Similarly, what can Ridcully actually do? Use a magic mirror? To paraphrase Professor Griff, “What kinda *&%^ is that? That’ll get your ass kicked where I come from.”
Oakland @ Green Bay
Bill: Green Bay
Van: Green Bay
Oakland comes into this game with a decent shot at winning…which means they’ll get beat like a Muslim prisoner at Guantanamo Bay. OF COURSE Green Bay wins. I’m betting that someone on the Packers’ coaching staff has heard of Justin Fargas and is putting together a nice little package to stop him from running willy-nilly all over the field…unlike whoever it was that played Oakland last weekend. Brett Favre watched Aaron Rodgers perform admirably in relief last weekend, which means he will start and play well against Oakland, because you can have Brett Favre’s games-started streak when you pry his cold, dead fingers from around it.
Bill: You know how in the RPI they count the records of our opponents and then the records of your opponents’ opponents? The Broncos are case in point for this logic. As unpredictable as the Donkeys are, even more random is their opponents’ performance the week after playing the Broncos. The Raiders showed heart on Sunday, and flashed enough skill that they should be able to stay on the field with any team in the NFL that is not the Pats, Colts or ‘Boys. What this means is that they will completely fail to show up for this game, leaving even less explanation for the Bronco game than there was at the time.
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
Bill: The Giants
Van: Philadelphia
Eli Manning is very nearly Rex Grossman, and he has no running game to rely upon (huh, kinda like Grossman there, too). The Eagles seem ready to wash their hands of Donovan McNabb, no matter how badly either A.J. Feely or Kevin Kolb plays…but they also have Brian Westbrook, unquestionably the best offensive player on either side of the field. While the Giants’ pass rush figures to make things hot for whoever lines up behind guard for Philly (yes, QBs normally line up behind center, unless you’re an Iggles QB), Westbrook keeps them in the game long enough for them to win in spite of the signal caller. Besides, a Philadelphia victory only makes the Gordian Knot that is the NFC Wild Card picture that much harder to unravel.
Bill: Dude. What? This is the problem with living high on a windswept plateau 500 miles from the nearest television. You have to actually see some of these guys play before you start asserting stuff, any stuff, about them. Eli is not Peyton, but he is at least equidistant from Rexy. I have never sat down to match numbers to guys, but I am guessing Eli is somewhere in the 13-15 range of best NFL quarterbacks. As for Westbrook, McNabb clearly has the better career (that is, he has historically been and may again be better than Westbrook) and the only thing stopping Brandon Jacobs from being better is fragility. So it is not unquestionable. I have the Giants here because I think the win over the Bears is a salve for the G-men’s psyche, particularly Eli. The Giants shot a 108, but they birdied the 18th, so they firmly believe coming into their next round that they can golf.
Minnesota @ San Francisco
Bill: Minnesota
Van: Minnesota
I think I’m going to start calling Brad Childress by his given name, and put Boo Boo The Fool on probation – provided the Vikings keep winning. Right now, he’s looking a LOT smarter than he was earlier this season, because he’s getting world-beater production out of BOTH running backs and now the fog may be starting to clear for young Tarvaris Jackson. If the QB can figure out which way is up, this suddenly becomes a very, very good football team. There is nothing wrong with the defense, and the aforementioned running game is tailor-made for a first round upset. San Francisco will counter with a whole lotta Frank Gore, but, really, they’re already on the clock for next year’s draft.
Bill: Herein lies the Niners’ problem. If they hand the ball to Frank Gore 30 times against the NFL’s best rushing defense, he will gain 75 yards, but to do otherwise would be to put your hopes in the hands of Trent Dilfer. I would rather let Ted Kennedy drive.
Arizona @ Seattle
Bill: Arizona
Van: Seattle
Here’s the simple truth: if Ken Whizzinator had figured out which QB to start back in training camp, the Cardinals are in the playoffs, period. Kurt Warner has been a revelation for the Desert Birds, despite a desultory performance from the high-priced free agent RB to date. No, Edge hasn’t been Cedric Benson-bad, but the Birds didn’t pay the man Shaun Alexander money for him to be an average, middling running back. Speaking of Alexander, here’s hoping he too likes his money because the team is doing just fine without him. 65 yards on 20 carries is, well, it’s like Cedric Benson, who has now become my new gold standard for sorry running backs, the anti-Jim Brown. This game might see both teams score in the 30s, but I like the Water Birds to beat the Desert Birds.
Bill: Whisenhunt knew from the jump that Warner was better than Matt Leinart. What he did not know was how bad his division was, and a team no less humble than the Arizona Cardinals had something to play for THIS year, so preparing his quarterback of the future was not as imperative as it seemed. A little like the Iggles game, I disagree somewhat with your assessment of Edge. Edge runs hard, which separates him immediately from Benson. I do not, however, believe that he has done anything Marcel Shipp could not do at an eighth the price. The Cards need to learn what other teams already know – if you want a great running back, invest in your offensive line, not in the back. By the way, the Seahawks win this one, but as I do not like them, I will pick the Cards and personally will them to victory. I’ll let you know how that goes.
New Orleans @ Atlanta
Bill: New Orleans
Van: Atlanta
What Never Was versus What Might Have Been. That the Saints are now afterthoughts after playing in the NFC Championship game last season is no one’s fault but their own. Defensive back Jason David is a cinder in a Saints’ uni, flaring to new life whenever an opposing receiver flashes by him, and Reggie Bush still ain’t big enough to play with the grown folks yet. I still can’t tell you how the Falcons will win, what with their best player sitting in federal prison awaiting sentencing, but even if He Who Shall Not Be Named was playing, the only difference would be the margin of victory and number of highlights on the Worldwide Fearless Leader.
Bill: You gotta love these teams that are still in the NFC West in spirit. Seriously – how bad would this division have been this year without realignment? New Orleans is still very much in the Wild Card race, which is a richly-deserved insult to the entire conference.
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