Blog
Friday, November 30, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 13
Last Week
Bill: 7-4
Van: 11-0
Season:
Bill: 107-64
Van: 110-61
BASS! How low can you go? 11-0...what a brotha know!
However, as much as I would love to crow about going from one game down to three games up in the short span of the holiday week, only one game truly mattered for me, and it can be summed up like this:
Chicago 37, Denver 34.
Bill: I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
Or, more accurately, like this:
Devin Hester 14, Mike Shanahan Dumbfounded.
And there is no truth to the rumor that there is Youtube footage of Shanny asking his assistants, “Really? He’s done that before? Huh.”
Bill: I have been attempting for several days now to kill myself with a plastic spoon.
So, yes, faithful reader, my beloved Bears beat Bill’s benighted Donkeys, and if you’ll go here you can read whatever spurious denials of the facts that he’s managed to cook up in the interim.
Bring tha noize.
Bill: Uuuuuugggghhhh.
Green Bay @ Dallas
Bill: Dallas
Van: Dallas
This is an actual game of consequence in the NFC, featuring the only two teams from this conference with a prayer of winning the Super Bowl. And, in the greater scheme of things, it may not matter who wins this game because no one wants to face a rejuvenated Brett Favre in the NFC Championship Game at any venue. That said, Dallas will likely win this first match-up. Patrick Crayton returns to the lineup at WR, which only gives Tony Romo one more option to choose from. And here’s how good Dallas has been this season: Terrell Owens’ news-making has largely been for his on-field behavior.
Bill: Erm…did you just say that the NFC has a chance of winning the Super Bowl? Maybe that’s one of those things that does not translate well from urdu, or whatever your native language is (unless of course an urdu is one of those infinite species of African deer). See, when you say that somebody has a chance to win something, that means they will be beating somebody else. Competitions, by definition, are rarely solo events. If the Super Bowl was, I dunno, a Freecell tournament, the Cowboys or Packers might have a chance. As for this game, everybody needs to listen to elder statesman Brett Favre, who keeps trying to tell you the Packers are not as good as their record. They are not. They are good, but the Cowboys are much better. Look for the underrated Cowboy pass rush to have a field day with the old man.
Detroit @ Minnesota
Bill: Minnesota
Van: Minnesota
Detroit’s offensive line isn’t even a turnstile anymore; it’s a bunch of shaky Star Wars holographic images of fat guys in front of perpetually-sacked Jon Kitna (44 times in 11 games). Detroit will lose because they can’t keep anyone out of their offensive backfield, and because they won’t be any better than the Giants at tackling Chester “Chairshot” Taylor who, when he’s not throwing chairs in the locker room at teammates, can run the ball north and south with alacrity. Boo Boo The Fool Childress gets another week’s reprieve.
Bill: All year, Van and I have been brutalizing the Vikings’ alleged quarterback play. We have even taken to task their alleged receivers. What we have missed is what Paul Harvey calls “the rest of the story” (hallooooo, middle America – WE ARE YOUR BLOG). With a quarterback, like a real NFL one rather than a Nerf, the Vikings would be a good football team. Maybe really good. With an NFL quarterback and one legitimate receiver, they would be as good as the Packers. Normally, we would ask the question, “how hard can that be?” but the answer, looking around the league, is “pretty hard.”
Seattle @ Philadelphia
Bill: Philadelphia
Van: Seattle
Give Mike Holmgren this much credit: when he finally figured out that his running game sucked (thanks for the memories, Shaun Alexander), he cut Matt Hasselbeck loose and the result is that the Seahawks actually have a pulse. In Philly, however, Andy Reid was dumping out his sons’ drug paraphernalia and found A.J. Feely underneath a pile of socks. Feely led Philly to what was very nearly the Upset Of The Century last weekend, and Donovan McNabb could not possibly be less wanted right now. The locker room has turned on him, the fans have turned on him, and the best thing for all involved would be a nice, cozy trade to my beloved Bears in the off-season.
Bill: Donovan McNabb is the problem, and always has been. I feel like there are mountains of evidence to the contrary, and I have never personally seen or understood the apparent parade of criticism, but like Van says, where there’s smoke. Knowing what you know now about Andy Reid’s home life, what do you think of the hours he spent at podiums defending McNabb? It seems like everybody defends McNabb, which must mean a lot of people in addition to Terrell Owens are attacking him. I do not know who these people are, but apparently there are enough of them that they must have some point.
Buffalo @ Washington
Bill: Washington
Van: Buffalo
No humor, no analysis: Washington is dealing with a tragedy, and they will be hard-pressed to be emotionally prepared to play football this weekend.
Bill: While attempting not to be calloused, Washington is the better football team, and the emotion affects teams different ways.
San Francisco @ Carolina
Bill: Carolina
Van: San Francisco
If I were Jake Delhomme, I’d renegotiate my contract for like a zillion dollars right now. And if the owner tried to play hardball, I’d just open the window and point to the playing field, where Vinny Testaverde is having senior moments and David Carr keeps walking into the same goalpost over and over. And note to Mike Nolan: keep giving Frank Gore the football.
Bill: If I were Jake Delhomme, I would demand a trade. See, I would know that I was a mediocre NFL quarterback, and seeing how bad my team became without me would make me nervous about taking the field with these hacks. Meanwhile, in San Francisco, I heard Mike Tirico say on the radio that there were “whispers that Alex Smith was not worthy of the first overall pick.” There are whispers in San Diego about Ryan Leaf, too. This game has all the hallmarks of a classic, maybe even an interpretive dance commemorating Monday’s Steelers-Dolphins game. Is NASCAR still going?
Atlanta @ St. Louis
Bill: St. Louis
Van: Atlanta
Hard as it is to imagine, the Joey Leftwich QB Combo for Atlanta is superior to the perpetually-concussed Gus Frerotte who, when he’s not too busy head-butting solid concrete walls, is happily tossing the rock to the other guys. The best thing that could happen to this game is a blackout.
Bill: On second thought, the San Fran/Carolina game looks all right. If you take away his 53 yard touchdown run, Steven Jackson averaged 1.7 yards per carry last week. If you take away Jerrious Norwood’s six carries (the same number he is averaging and the same number he has had in 6 of the 10 games he has played this year despite his 5.7 yard per carry average (Bobby Petrino, you IDIOT)), the Falcons averaged barely over 3. I have no idea who Atlanta will start at quarterback, but he will not be very good. I also know Gus Frerotte and Van was a bit too kind to him. If you put this whole thing in a blender, I wouldn’t drink it.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
Bill: New Orleans
Van: Tampa Bay
Of course you can make chicken salad out of chicken crap...it’ll just taste like chicken crap. That’s pretty much what New Orleans has at running back, where they’ve tried to turn Reggie “Raghib Ismail” Bush into an every down running back...no matter how it looks on paper, it still tastes like chicken crap. Tampa Bay continues its stealth approach to the playoffs behind steady contributions from Jeff Garcia and Earnest Graham.
Bill: I finally saw the Bucs play last week, leaving only the Loch Ness Monster out there unconfirmed. Their defense is fast and fun to watch, like a Monte Kiffin defense should be (if I was the tree, I would want the apple tested…just sayin’), and the offense is not a whole lot better than the sum of their parts.
New York Giants @ Chicago
Bill: The Giants
Van: Chicago
Okay, really, how do you pick this game? Are the G-men really as bad as they showed in Minnesota? Gaaaah. I can’t believe that Tom Coughlin would be stupid enough to kick to Devin Hester...but then, I didn’t believe that Denver would...twice. And I can’t believe that Eli Manning is that bad of a QB...but then, neither can I believe he’s that good. Heck with it, I’m picking my beloved Bears. And no, I don’t have a good reason. The QB sucks, the franchise back is done for the season, and the defense is an injured mess. But I’m picking them anyway.
Bill: Grossman looked pretty good during crunch time last week. My therapist thinks I should repeat that out loud no matter how much it hurts until I can accept it. And your “franchise running back” just sucks. I’m a Denver guy – I advocate never paying any running back more than about $300K a year, because they get hurt and, as noted by the inimitable Van Walker already this season, are virtually never good for very long. If you have a good offensive line, you have a good running game. Unless the guy toting the rock is Walter Payton (and the only way to know this is in retrospect), then any running back who cares (we will call this the Cedric Benson Proviso) is sufficient in a good system behind a good line. You can spend your time and money on the steak or the sizzle.
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