Blog
Friday, November 23, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 12
Last Week
Bill: 15-1
Van: 10-6
Season:
Bill: 100-60
Van: 99-61
I’m not sure which is more incredible: Bill going 15-1 in his picks; my losing every single game where Bill and I were different; or the Jets (!!) beating the Steelers.
The odds of any of the above happening at all begin with a decimal point and feature a crapload of zeroes before reaching any real numbers of consequence...or, put bluntly, a Republican’s chance of winning the ’08 Presidential Election (thanks a bunch, Dubya...idiot).
Bill: You’re right. If you had been right that much last week, you would still be winning. If GWB had been right about WMD’s, or even admitted he was wrong, Ron Paul might have a shot – unless of course you prefer one of the other clowns, lounge acts and escapees that you have put together under the dubious heading “candidates.”
And for Bill’s next trick, he will pull a rabbit out of his nose...and not once will his fingers leave his hands!
Avada Kedavara!
Green Bay @ Detroit
Bill: Detroit
Van: Green Bay
For the first time in recent memory, an NFC North Turkey Day game will have some significance...until Brett Favre finds James Jones up the seam for 6 with 14:05 left in the first quarter. By halftime, the Lions will be exposed worse than a Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction”...or a defensive coach pulling into Wendy’s all Bucky Nekkid. But all is not entirely lost: the city of Detroit was voted Most Dangerous American City recently, to the surprise of absolutely no sentient beings in the known universe, so they’re still good at something, anyways...
Bill: This game is on at like 7 am in Denver. Ridiculous. The NFL is so busy making money and blackmailing cable companies that they have lost sight of what is really important – avoiding my relatives. For the record, Van is wrong – this game will be a war. It will be competitive and riveting and even my football-challenged extended family would completely understand my devotion to the game rather than another uncomfortable discussion about, “What’s going on in your world?” Any time I get that question, I just want to go Slim Shady, like, “I'm in outer space, I've just vanished without a trace, I'm going to a pretty place now where the flowers grow, I'll be back in an hour or so.”
New York Jets @ Dallas
Bill: Dallas
Van: Dallas
The Jets beat the Steelers last weekend, which says more bad things about the Steelers than good things about the Jets. They will not be so similarly blessed this weekend in Big D. Basically, the ‘Boys have a walk-through against the Jets, just like Green Bay will with Detroit, and then next week the ‘Boys and the Pack decide who is really the best team in the NFC.
Bill: See, THIS is the god-awful game that the NFL pukes up for Thanksgiving Family Hour. “Hey, Bill, since this doesn’t look like much of a game, do you mind if we throw on Ratatouille for the kids?” Funny and indicative football story from last year – my newly minted cousin-in-law and I are peaceably watching football when my Uncle Don wanders slowly across the television, plops himself down and opines for no apparent reason that Roger Craig is the best power back in NFL history. My cousin-in-law is waaayyyyy kinder than I am, but he joins me as we beat down Uncle Don cowboy style, listing maybe 100 running backs that we would rather give the ball on 4th and 1 than Roger Craig. Uncle Don turns pink, gets up and leaves without another word, and cousin-in-law and I return to the game. Next year, I’m spending Thanksgiving in Van’s yurt. And I’m bringing my sister. And my cousin-in-law. And a turkey, ‘cause the Man does not eat cabbage. Or yak.
Indianapolis @ Atlanta
Bill: Indianapolis
Van: Indianapolis
This just in: ATLANTA SUCKS. There is no truth to the rumor that Bobby Petrino doesn’t know his butthole from a hole in the ground...although he was seen frequently grabbing his rear end, heaving a sigh of relief, and glancing at the ground repeatedly at Wednesday’s practice. I don’t care if the Colts are coming into this game with every major skill player injured except for Peyton Manning, because the Falcons defense (especially the mouthy corners) couldn’t cover a bed with a blanket. Jerious Norwood will carry the football 5 times for 100 yards and it won’t matter. The Falcons get blowed up real good in this one.
Bill: I love Petrino’s musical quarterbacks. It’s like he has been watching other teams and decided that the Falcons’ problem is poor quarterback play, and that all he has to do is find the right guy. Derek Anderson was sitting around taking up space on Cleveland’s roster, so maybe there is one in Atlanta, too. In the middle of the third quarter, he will look up and think, “Wait a minute…Joey Harrington…didn’t I already try this schmuck? And what’s that big hole in the ground?”
Seattle @ St. Louis
Bill: St. Louis
Van: St. Louis
Bill sez that someone has to win the NFC Worst. Given that he thumped me like a melon in Mogadishu last week, I’m picking the Saint Lunatics to win it. I mean, really...what would be more ridiculous than a team starting 0-8 and winning their division? I mean, besides thinking Bill will go 15-1 again in life...
Bill: Is admitting that you got “thumped like a melon in Mogadishu” your version of self-effacement? Dude, if you need help identifying what’s wrong with you, just hit me up. The Rams sudden winning ways can be traced directly to the improved play of their offensive line, and really, they were unlikely to get worse. Seattle will probably still win this division, but by the end of the season, they will clearly be no better than the third-best team in possibly the worst division in football ever.
Minnesota @ New York Giants
Bill: New York Giants
Van: New York Giants
I think I know why Michael Strahan is having another great season: just before the snap, he looks at the quarterback and sees his ex-wife Jeannie waving The Worst Pre-Nup In History at him. Ask Jon Kitna how that worked out for him last weekend, after the backhoe digs him out of the artificial turf at Ford Field, that is...At this point, and last week’s win over the somnambulant Raiders notwithstanding, the question isn’t whether Boo Boo The Fool Childress will get fired, but whether anyone is stupid enough to take the job with no quarterback on the roster worth keeping.
Bill: Every couple of years, Al Davis proves definitively that there is a guy out there dumb enough to take any job. That said, Boo Boo keeps his job for the same reason nobody else wants it – not his fault he has no quarterback. Even if he did have a quarterback, all we would learn is that they have no receivers.
Washington @ Tampa Bay
Bill: Tampa Bay
Van: Tampa Bay
Vince Lombardi. Paul Brown. Bill Parcells. And now, Joe Gibbs. All are great coaches who were unable to recapture the magic. The jury’s still out on Jon Gruden (who might be Don Shula when all is said and done), but he has a better team in almost every department. Sean Taylor and LaRon Landry bring the wood for the ‘Skins, but they are like short order cooks: they get burnt so often that no one even notices anymore, least of all themselves.
Bill: I realize that fashion is absolutely the wrong way to go here, but the stealth Bucs remain a total mystery to me, so…how can you put these two teams on the same field? Talk about last in line. After all the blues and reds and yellows were taken, the Bucs and Skins got up to the table and started inventing colors. Seriously, what are the Redskins’ colors? If, as a straight guy, I look at these two teams’ colors and say aloud, “yo, you can’t wear that $*%& together,” then one of them should come up with an alternate uniform for this event. The only thing that would make it worse would be Tampa throwbacks.
New Orleans @ Carolina
Bill: New Orleans
Van: New Orleans
The Saints are a fraud, but this week they face another fraud in Carolina. What on earth has happened to the Panthers? Was losing Jake Delhomme that important? Nobody can run the football anymore, and the defense surrenders faster than the French. If Reggie Bush can’t get 100 yards rushing against this unit, he should be cut immediately. (Remember when Heisman Trophy winners used to dominate in the NFL? Gads...)
Bill: A mere three month ago, we all thought this game would be relevant. I thought John McCain would finally factor in the 2008 presidential race, too. And when I was five, I thought the Karch Kiraly game was called “ballyball.” I would have drafted Ryan Leaf before Peyton Manning. I don’t know anything, and I don’t know who is going to win this nasty game. You could cancel this game due to lack of interest, except that the winner remains a single game out of the last NFC wild card. Seriously. Look it up.
San Francisco @ Arizona
Bill: Arizona
Van: Arizona
At the beginning of the season, I picked San Francisco to go to the playoffs. 8 losses in 10 games later, I submit that I might have been non compos mentis when I made that selection. Wow. I thought Darrell Jackson was a dog in Seattle, but this guy is putting in a worse effort in San Francisco than Randy Moss did in Oakland, and that’s kinda hard to do, considering that so much less was expected of Jackson. Alex Smith has apparently been reading Rex Grossman’s “Quarterbacking My Way,” and Vernon Davis might bring a gun to the Niners sideline if Mike Nolan makes one more stupid call on offense.
Bill: When I made the bold prediction that somebody would win this division, I did not mean the 49ers. I meant someone else.
Denver @ Chicago
Bill: Denver
Van: Chicago
Go me. I win. You stink. And, uh, that’s about it. I got nothin’ dude. Nathan. Nada. Nil. What, you really want me to crow about the alleged superiority of the Bears defense, a unit that currently ranks 22nd against the pass and 26th against the run? And I haven’t even gotten to the corpses that we feature at QB and RB. The only reason I’m picking them at all is because they’re playing the Donkeys, period. I’m picking this game for bragging rights, and as prima facie evidence: should the Donkeys lose, start sending candy and flowers and real estate brochures to The Chin, c/o CBS Sports.
Bill: Normally, I would save this for the DVD, but I will let everyone behind the curtain here – Van filled in this pick for me. I did not even have the option to take Cedric Benson and his 3.3 yards per carry or Rex Grossman and his cubist perspective. Here are two more teams who should be completely irrelevant but somehow find themselves playing a quasi-meaningful game in Week 12. Moreover, this is the most important game between Van and me since the Jayhawks and Salukis tipped off in the NCAA tourney last year. How did that one go for ya, cowboy?
Happy Thanksgiving!
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