Blog
Friday, November 16, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 11
Last Week
Bill: 7-7
Van: 6-8
Season
Bill: 85-59
Van: 89-55
A grand jury determined that Barry Bonds lied to them about his usage and knowledge of steroids. In a separate decision, they looked at my picks from last weekend and decided that I know nothing about football…geez.
Last week demonstrated why fantasy football of any sort should be immediately struck down as unconstitutional, because I found myself rooting against my beloved Bears in a game I picked them to lose. The worst part was Rex Grossman’s TD pass to Bernard Berrian. I immediately reacted as a Bears fan, then I remembered the implications of a Bears win.
My reaction was classic: YES!!! CRAP!!!!
Bill: Picking against your boys is kind of like diversifying your portfolio. Whichever way the market goes, you will somehow get paid. When you pick your boys and they go into Detroit and take a Patriot-style beatdown, then your boys got humiliated, you dropped a game and, even on DVR, it’s at least an hour and a half you are never getting back. Takes an awful lot of Zen not to hit the antidepressants after a Sunday like that. But if you simply took the Lions there, regardless of the outcome, you have that life preserver to grab – “well, at least…”
Two Buffalo girls go ‘round the outside…
Bill: Which one of us is Losman?
Chicago @ Seattle
Bill: Seattle
Van: Chicago
So, let’s see where we are with this one. The Bald Guy and The Craig Stadler Clone hate each other. Shaun Alexander hasn’t been Shaun Alexander since the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl. Cedric Benson will never be what Bears brass hoped Cedric Benson should have been. In a move that should tell us all we really need to know about Kyle Orton, Lovie Smith has gone back to Rex Grossman while Brian Griese is dinged up. The Bears win anyway, on a bunch of junk that only happens in bad football movies and a lot of Devin Hester.
Bill: How come Hasselbeck is only bald when he sucks? How come when he’s taking his team to the Super Bowl, nobody’s on about, “yo, what’s up with cue ball?” This is hairism. And, dude, we already knew all we needed to about Kyle Orton – he is the Bears’ third-string quarterback behind Grossman and Griese. That’s pretty damning. He’s like the Fred Thompson of Chicago. It’s like being the third-best Ben Affleck movie (is that actually Mallrats?). It’s like finishing third in the NFC West. Seriously, I know they are your boys, but how can you pick the Bears here? I predict that for at least a third of this game they have to attempt to play offense. Advantage Seahawks.
St. Louis @ San Francisco
Bill: St. Louis
Van: St. Louis
No one will win the NFC Worst, er, West. No one. I don’t care if the Rams are suddenly healthy and hungry and agile and mobile and hostile all that jingoistic jargon. I don’t care if San Francisco just lays down on every snap for the whole game…which is kinda like what they’ve done all year anyway. Nobody wins the NFC West.
Bill: See, here’s the thing: somebody will win the NFC West. As witnessed by the Tour de France, you cannot disqualify everybody – if you do, there is no need to disqualify anybody, ya feel me? As repugnant as the idea might be to football fans everywhere, one of these unforgivably awful teams gets to go to the playoffs by virtue of being marginally less awful than the other three. Every team in the NFL’s second-worst division, the AFC West, would run the table in this division. I’m glad St. Louis has broken the seal so that I do not need to find some reason for the Niners to win this game.
Washington @ Dallas
Bill: Dallas
Van: Dallas
If last Sunday proved anything, it’s that anyone can win on any given Sunday…except Miami, of course, who lost after leading the entire game with Buffalo last weekend. That said, the Redskins don’t have a prayer. The Cowboys this season are trashing the NFC the way the Bears did last season, and they’re doing it with an offense that is comparable to the best of the AFC. In fact, perhaps only New England has a better offense right now. The fans will get all caught up in the rivalry aspect of it, but a rivalry is only a rivalry when both teams are equally good or equally bad. The ‘Skins are only so-so. The ‘Boys look Super.
Bill: Washington is an interesting case study, the most severely disfigured victim of the Patriot Effect. Since getting scrubbed 52-7 in an NF of L contest, the Skins have been completely demoralized, shuffling through life like methadone zombies. You know the end of the third X-Men movie where Sir Ian McKellen is sitting in the park in a plaid shirt by himself trying to get chess pieces to move with his mind? That’s the Redskins. Meanwhile, I want to say that Jerry Jones is a genius. Everyone who thinks Jones overpaid Tony Romo needs to take a good, hard look at this league. On the open market, Romo might legitimately be worth twice what Jones paid for him through simple supply and demand. You know how many young quarterbacks are actually good right now (as opposed to “gonna be good,” which is probably worth what Romo is making itself)? Two. Eli and Romo. That’s it.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Bill: Tampa Bay
Van: Tampa Bay
Joey Harrington has just led the Falcons to two consecutive victories. Byron Leftwich has less mobility than Luca Brazi in concrete loafers and still doesn’t know the offense. Naturally, Bobby Petrino is going to go with Leftwich. This is why the Falcons are the Falcons. Meanwhile, Jon Gruden just looks at the rest of his schedule (Atlanta, Washington, New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta, San Francisco, Carolina), smiles, and remembers that he won’t draw the Cowboys on the first weekend of the playoffs because they’ll have a bye.
Bill: Harrington or Leftwich is immaterial – Petrino could legitimize either decision by having the guy hand the ball to Jerious Norwood, who despite his 5.9 yards per carry gets the rock exactly six times a game like clockwork. Even the pointlessly loyal Arthur Blank has to be thinking right now that Petrino is not the guy. Bet Lloyd Carr will be available, though.
Miami @ Philadelphia
Bill: Philadelphia
Van: Philadelphia
I’m telling you, picking the Eagles by the police blotter works. All quiet on the Reid home front? Check. Worst team in football coming to The Vet? Check. Brian Westbrook still on Philly’s sideline? Check. And if you’re the Dolphins, holy cow, your team stinks. You’re going to a rookie at QB because, well, it can’t be any worse than the current guy…can it? But hey, you get Ricky Williams back from Planet Ganja…oh, wait…that’s not good, right? There may be no greater poetic justice in sports than watching the old ’72 Dolphins squirming right now; the Patriots look like a mortal lock for perfection, while the team that bears their name couldn’t beat a carpet with a broom.
Bill: Gee, Kreskin, you think so? You really need a system to pick the Fish to lose?
Oakland @ Minnesota
Bill: Minnesota
Van: Oakland
*cueing the John Facenda* - “The Vikings trailed by 19 points, and the remaining seven minutes of the game became a despairing, hopeless quest for a goal they knew they would never reach.” That classic was from the NFL Films recap of Super Bowl XI, when the Oakland Raiders had guys like Atkinson and Tatum, Shell and Upshaw, Branch and Biletnikoff, and Stabler…when the Vikings had Foreman, Yary, Tarkenton, Page, and Eller. This Sunday’s game won’t be nearly as dramatic, so I thought I’d give you a little throwback love.
Bill: If the NFL Network really wants to get over (and they do, given that they have planted their flag on the Patriots’ Week 17 outing), they need to recognize an opportunity. Raiders/Vikings? How about a show called So You Think You Can be an NFL Quarterback? Start by eliminating people during drills Monday and Tuesday – clips of fat guys throwing end over end passes 10 yards short is great television. Then narrow it down to the top 10 guys (or women, whatever, it’s the Raiders and Vikings, can they afford to be sexist at this point?), eliminate eight and let the top two start Sunday’s game. Brad Childress and Lane Kiffin can probably get behind this – do they have anything to lose?
Carolina @ Green Bay
Bill: Green Bay
Van: Green Bay
Let’s see: the Packers are playing for a first round bye and a home game in the playoffs. Carolina is playing for, what, a game check that they’ll get anyway? The only interesting thing in this game will be whether Dwayne Jarrett gets his grill blown out, courtesy of Steve Smith; seems that Smitty is not enamored of the rook’s preparation (or lack thereof) and his patience is worn thin enough that the Panther beat writers have noted the same. When the guys who are very nearly on the team payroll are reporting stuff like this, you can bet that a beatdown is imminent.
Bill: I think Smith will be too busy trying to outrun the Packer bus to worry about Jarrett. Like the Kaiser Chiefs, I predict a riot.
New York Giants @ Detroit
Bill: Giants
Van: Giants
After allegedly rushing for minus 18 yards last weekend in a loss to Arizona, that rumbling you heard was the early birds jumping off the Lions bandwagon and making for the exits ahead of the crowd. After a casual perusal of the remaining games on the Lions’ schedule, that rumbling from the Lions’ faithless might become prolonged and pronounced enough to start a tsunami. In this game, Rod Marinelli will learn that, yes, he does in fact have a third-string quarterback, and yes, he will in fact have to play him because the Giants pass rush has destroyed the other two guys ahead of him on the depth chart. (For those of you looking to make a little cash on a bar bet, the third stringer’s name is J.T. O’Sullivan. You’ll probably see him just before halftime.)
Bill: This is an improbably big game for both of these teams. Because it will be their second loss in a row, the loser has to deal with “three weeks ago, you were a lock to make the playoffs, but now…” questions that have no answers and therefore get those replies like, “Yeah, we’ve had a couple of tough games, I thought we played hard but things did not go our way, and there’s really nothing we can do now but concentrate on the game at hand.” Of course, it will be a possibly concussed Jon Kitna answering the questions, so you can expect a little bizarre proselytizing in there, too.
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