Blog
Friday, October 26, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 8
Last Week
Bill: 10-4
Van: 9-5
Season
Bill: 61-42
Van: 64-39
Bill won again last week yada yada yada. Just remember this: unless you’re the lead dog, the scenery never changes. That’s just how it is. Thus, after a couple of weeks of inspired Magic 8-ball shaking, Bill returns to earth with this week’s picks.
And if you’re observant, you’ll note that Bill and I are using a new format. We still pick all of ‘em, but we split the writing duties in half, largely because I’m assuming that Bill has something of a real life going on in Denver and that his time is otherwise consumed with such trivial affairs as raising children and supporting a family and treating his wife nicely. Here in the yurt, well, the yaks don’t do much once the snow falls, so me and the wife and the rest of the yak-herders pretty much just play drinking games and watch the tube with the Dalai Lama’s married sister, Shamma Lama-Dingdong…
Bill: There’s a sort of Zen perfection to your existence. It must allow you to lose without affecting your aura.
All Aboard!
Detroit @ Chicago
Van’s Pick: Chicago
Bill’s Pick: Chicago
And remember, death is not an option: Britney Spears babysitting your kids, or the Lions at 5-2? One is waaay more likely to happen than the other, unless the Bears get their heads and their rear ends wired together real quick-like. I know there are some in Denver who insist that Brian Griese is a mirage, but in Chicago, it’s not like we have a lot of better options, ya know? What matters is that the Bears offense works better with him under center, and the defense has something to believe in after watching Rex Grossman sabotage games at the beginning of the season.
Bill: The Bears win this because this is Brian Griese’s last week on Earth. I have no idea what happens, I know only that it does and it is bad. I reserve the right to change my pick if in fact I have just elected America’s favorite Mouseketeer to look after the Bryan boys.
Indianapolis @ Carolina
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Bill’s Pick: Indianapolis
Can I finally get some love for the Colts? All season long, I have shouted from every available mountaintop that these Colts are tougher than steaks at the Sizzler. With the exception of a gritty win at Tennessee, they have handled their opponents easily, and this despite injuries to key players like Joseph Addai and Marvin Harrison. They are undefeated and relatively untested and now they are relatively healthy. Carolina, meanwhile, comes into this game wondering whether Vinny Testaverde has any more magic dust left over because the perpetually-befuddled David Carr is the only other option at QB. Indianapolis will NOT look ahead because that’s not who they are. They will dismantle Carolina.
Bill: Gee, Van, you’re a true champion of justice, defending the juggernaut world champions as you do. How do you do it? Have you also been campaigning about the rampant disrespect against Led Zeppelin and Tom Hanks? I heard a fantastic discussion on the radio of how Vinny Testaverde was living proof that even if you were a bust at quarterback, if you hung around long enough and learned enough systems, then everybody would want you when you should be way too old to play. I thought of a couple of quarterbacks to whom one might extend this lesson (interestingly Gary Danielson and Vince Evans, both of whom played for Van’s Bears late in their careers), but mostly thought it was a good blueprint for David Carr.
Philadelphia @ Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Minnesota
Bill’s Pick: Minnesota
It’s official: Brad a/k/a Boo Boo The Fool Childress is suffering from a terminal case of rectal/cranial inversion. What is it with this guy? Is he angry at Adrian Peterson or something? All-Day gets 352 combined yards against the Bears, 224 of which came as a running back, and scored 3 touchdowns…and Childress gives him 12 carries the next week against a beatable Dallas team? Worse, Peterson carried the ball 4 times on the opening drive and scored (!!)…and Childress only called his number 8 more times for the rest of the game. I have to backpedal right now, because I was pretty certain that either Leatherface Shanahan or Norv The Idiot Turner were the stupidest coaches in football…Nope, they’re both playing for second because Boo Boo The Fool Childress is the stupidest coach I’ve ever seen. The best thing about his refusal to give his best player the ball is that I won’t have to campaign to get him fired…he’s doing that all by himself.
Bill: You realize you picked Minnesota and then used your entire allotted time explaining why Minnesota does not win games? Don’t get me wrong, I feel you. I defended Boo Boo the Fool last week, some nonsense about how no matter what Boo Boo said, Peterson would get the touches. Then I watched the Dallas game and wondered what the hell everyone was doing – why was Minnesota passing, why was Dallas defending the pass, why did Fox spell “Tarvaris” wrong? But mostly I thought, “who hired Boo Boo?”
Cleveland @ St. Louis
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Bill’s Pick: Cleveland
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t pick Cleveland on the road…but St. Louis is no ordinary opponent. This team is a complete disaster. As Peter King of Sports Illustrated notes, this might be one of the worst offensive lines of all time. Borrowing a line I read about an awful Lions team a few years back, the Rams might be better served by folding chairs instead of linemen, because at least the defense would have to step over something in their pursuit of the ballcarrier. Derek Anderson easily picks apart a thoroughly dishearted defense and Brady Quinn’s private nightmare continues.
Bill: It’s not that the Rams have no chance. Steven Jackson is back this week and Marc Bulger is a week healthier, but the Rams are a study in how you can gather all the great skill position players you want, but if your line sucks, so does your offense.
New Orleans @ San Francisco
Van’s Pick: New Orleans
Bill’s Pick: New Orleans
I’m supposed to believe that one of these teams is vastly superior to the other one, and that one of these teams is going in the right direction. That’s kinda funny, because the Saints opened the year 0-4, which is like standing on the South Pole: a step in any direction is north by comparison. The Niners, on the other hand, are putting the “god-awful” back in “dysfunctional.” Alex Smith comes back to find out that his receivers just don’t give a damn and that nobody trusts the offensive coordinator. New Orleans wins because someone has to.
Bill: I want to take San Francisco because of all I saw in them at the beginning of the year, but I think that’s one of the definitions of insanity. My grandmother thinks that my son is me and I am my father. She also has an imaginary pet who reminds me a bit of Jody from the Amityville Horror. She still thinks the 49ers are good and there is no team in New Orleans. Maybe we should start having a guest spot where Grandma’s Imaginary Pet picks games, but in the meantime I will try to live in reality.
Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay
Van’s Pick: Tampa Bay
Bill’s Pick: Tampa Bay
I like Tampa Bay for a couple of clear reasons: one, Jon Gruden knows who his starting running back is supposed to be, and two, Jon Gruden’s quarterback is healthy. Jack Del Rio, on the other hand, comes into this game with his former scout-team receiver as his new starting quarterback. There is nothing good about that. More, Fraud Taylor will continue to get carries at Mo-Jo Drew’s expense. There is nothing good about that, either. Tampa Bay continues their improbable season with a win.
Bill: We have been killing Del Rio in these pages all year, but give him some credit. David Garrard played very well, and, no surprise to Jacksonville fans, Byron Leftwich hurt himself immediately upon entering his first game in Atlanta. He cannot, of course, be excused for mindlessly withholding the ball from his best offensive player, but he does appear to know something. Jacksonville wins this game ONLY because Garrard is out and we have no evidence that Quinn Gray can play dead.
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