Blog
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 7
Last Week
Bill: 9-4
Van: 6-7
Season
Bill: 51 - 38
Van: 55 - 34
Full disclosure demands that I admit to stinking like a pile of fish guts last weekend. On the one hand, I could try to rationalize my rotten week by pointing out all the weirdness involved in last week’s action. On the other, seeing as how Vinny Testaverde has re-opened the market for fat 40-something QBs to walk in off the street and win games in the NFL, I choose to remain positive as I field offers from the Atlanta Falcons, San Francisco 49ers, Arizona Cardinals, and New York Jets.
There is no truth to the rumor that Plucky Chucky the Picken Chicken out-pecked, er, out-picked me last weekend, although certain foul individuals are passing along the heinous lie that I was out-picked by Bill last weekend. (By the way, if you are among the morbidly curious, that is, if you are one who wants to see if Bill the Wonder Dolphin can duplicate last week’s feat of prestidigitation, click here.)
Bill: I AM BILL THE WONDER DOLPHIN, RIGHTEOUS PROPHET OF DOOM! BRING ME YOUR VIRGINS AND, umm, A BOX OF TWINKIES! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY! WOLVERIIIIIIIINES!
I was NOT out-picked. The sun was in my eyes. The dog ate my homework. My hard drive crashed. My cell phone was off. I thought it was flaxseed oil. What dogs are you talking about? It must have been the beer before the 16th Stage. I misinterpreted the rules about sideline cameras.
Anyway, that was then. We now return you to Bill’s season-long beating, already in progress. FIRE MIKE SHANAHAN!!
Bill: And take down Olympus stone by stone while you’re at it. Dude, get over it.
Tennessee @ Houston
Van’s Pick: Houston
In-Vince-ible is apparently Vince-ible. The back-up is Kerry Collins. Ugh. Now, I’ve been party to the trend of the NFL selling throwback jerseys…but Collins is only the latest in a recent conga line of throwback QBs, many of whom (Tim Rattay, I’m talking to you) we really want to throw back to whatever rock they crawled from under. Collins is no Vinny Testaverde, and Tennessee without Vince Young is like the Energizer Bunny without the Energizer. The good news is that Jeff Fisher can use this loss as a motivator to a team that still hasn’t given a solid, 60-minute effort all season despite their record; the bad news is that they take a beatdown in Houston.
Bill: The Jeff George watch is entering its fifth day. Good squares are still available.
Tampa Bay @ Detroit
Van’s Pick: Tampa Bay
Scientifically speaking, bumblebees shouldn’t be able to fly. The parts just don’t add up to “aerodynamically sound.” In the same way, neither the Buccaneers nor the Lions can rightfully explain coming into this game with winning records, yet there they are, bumbling happily along despite all apparent evidence to the contrary. At the beginning of the season, I said that the Lions would be the most entertaining 5-11 team in the NFL. They will entertain in this game, and they will lose, and even though it will be a Lions loss, we still won’t know why Tampa Bay won.
Bill: Well, the Lions got here on offense and the Bucs on defense. The weekend’s real entertainment should be when the Lions’ D and Bucs’ O go at each other. It’ll be like pin the tail on the donkey.
New England @ Miami
Van’s Pick: New England
In a perfect world, this game is the dictionary’s definition of ‘trap game.’ The Pats are coming off one of the more convincing regular-season victories of recent memory, and the Dolphins are an afterthought. Home dogs traditionally fare well against road favorites…but these ain’t yer granddad’s road favorites. These are the search-and-destroy Patriots, being mercilessly driven by The Belicheat. He might be the one guy coaching right now who will keep them focused enough to avoid a letdown in sunny Miami. And, in great news for the rest of the league, the Patriots are about to get defensive end Richard Seymore back from the Physically Unable to Perform list. Great. Just what they needed: more help on the horizon. And just in time to work him into shape before they face Indianapolis.
Bill: Since there is not a lot to say here, I would like to use this space to address another topic. I got an e-mail from the NFL today announcing that I could start voting on the Pro Bowl now. See, here’s the flaw in democracy. Every half-baked, underinformed vote that comes in before Week 7 (that is to say, BEFORE WEEK 7) counts the same as the well-considered vote that shows up immediately before the kickoff of the first wild-card game. This is assuming you let the fans vote at all, and when has that ever worked out? I’ll bet nobody votes on moral issues for the Pro Bowl, when it might actually make some sense. Democracy sucks.
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Van’s Pick: New Orleans
Don’t ask me for a reason to pick either team. As far as this game goes, up is down, black is white, positive is negative, the laws of thermodynamics are suspended, Republicans are…well, okay, I could only stretch the metaphor so far…but you get the point. I fully expect it to rain air filters and cheesecakes in New Orleans during this game, because even that won’t be weirder than what will happen inside the Super Dome. One of these teams will win and the scoreboard will prove it, right before exploding at the apparent incongruity of either team outscoring another team on purpose, on accident, or in any event.
Bill: So, I’m Black and can be either created or destroyed? Freakin’ Saints.
San Francisco @ New York Giants
Van’s Pick: New York Giants
Whatever huff the Giants were in when it was announced that Tom Coughlin was remaining as head coach, they seem to be over it now. Eli Manning is finally getting some love of his own, the defense is absolutely feasting on sorry offenses (pay attention, San Francisco, this means you), and the schedule is very favorable for a team with all their oars in the water. Whoever is quarterbacking in San Francisco will feel like Fonzie getting the Valachi Crunch after Usi Umeniyora and Gap Band Strahan gets through with him, so, uh, Alex Smith? I’d get a second opinion on that shoulder before volunteering for duty this weekend.
Bill: Totally unfair to call the Niners’ offense “sorry.” The Ravens, Jets, Bucs and Bills are sorry. The Niners are so bad they cannot even apologize for it.
Baltimore @ Buffalo
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
Remember the arrogance of 49ers head coach Bill Walsh scripting the first 25 plays of the game, regardless of down, distance, and clock…and how the 49ers dominated the 80s doing it? You might not realize it, but Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron does the same thing…except that he scripts the last 25 plays. For those of you keeping track, this explains how he narrowly avoided victory against Denver and Dallas at home. This loss won’t be so narrow. Baltimore rightly brutalized St. Louis last weekend, and Buffalo is only “better” than St. Louis by virtue of having a quarterback with a pulse and a running back that knows the difference between north and south.
Bill: In games against Denver and Dallas, the Bills were ridiculously overmatched. Desperate times and all that. I am not suggesting that there were not some questionable coaching decisions made at the ends of those games, but even the worst coaching decision works if the players can actually execute it. For those of you who slept through the first six weeks, Van holds Jauron’s Bears tenure against him. Hates him like Casey Stengel hated Marv Throneberry. Van cannot see that Jauron has a team with very little talent playing competitive football, but you and I can, eh? Wink?
Arizona @ Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
I was there. I was on the Cardinals bandwagon. I was cheering them on to victory when SNAP! Kurt Warner’s elbow ligament suddenly remembered how old it was, even if Kurt himself is having flashbacks. Enter Tim Rattay…and then, depression set in. (In other news, Kurt was asking for prayer for his wounded wing; while he might get that prayer answered, the truth is that God’s favorite QB now plays for Carolina…geez). Washington, meanwhile, comes back home after getting absolutely posterior-invaded by the referees in last week’s loss to Green Bay (did Tim Donaghy have action on that game?), and I’ll bet the ol’ Hall-Of-Famer under the headset is reminding his team to take care of their business on the field and turn the zebras into spectators.
Bill: Plenty of room on the Tim Rattay bandwagon, if all you’re looking for is a ride somewhere. The Cardinals’ receiving corps should take a couple of weeks off so they don’t pull anything running routes for no apparent reason. It’s like having a collection of brilliant tropical fish but no tank.
Kansas City @ Oakland
Van’s Pick: Oakland
Word around the campfire is that KC is becoming the western version of Cincinnati, all idiot players and coaches with no control over the situation. That might go a long way to explaining why they have been less than impressive all season. That also might go a long way to explaining why they are going to lose in Oakland. Right now, with as many victories as they had all last season, the Raiders are just happy to be alive, let alone in contention (this time last year, they were already hopelessly buried). It sez so right here that Autumn Is A Raider. Cue the John Facenda. Awaken the echoes. Raiders win.
Bill: You remember “The Silver and Black Attack”? I might have the 12” here somewhere. On the vinyl, there is a seven minute extended version where even Chris “Kermit the Frog” Bahr gets on the mike. You like to remember the old days with “Autumn is a Raider,” but I like to think of the cute little fellas flowin’ like, “Allen’s my name, offense is my game” and “I’m not too fast and I’m not too tall, but I’ve got hands that stick to the ball.”
New York Jets @ Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
The rules say that I have to pick someone, so I’m picking Cincinnati…only because I can’t imagine the Jets playing better on the road than they did at home last weekend. Still, the Bungles can’t stop anyone from scoring, so this game will be fun to watch, anyway…
Bill: The best part of this game is that the Jets tried to trade Chad Pennington this week. You always hear that the NFL is a copycat league, so now everybody with a horrible starting quarterback is attempting to trade him during the season because it worked for the Browns. Can you imagine a bunch of NFL teams lining up, trying to be Cleveland?
Chicago @ Philadelphia
Van’s Pick: Chicago
Philadelphia didn’t win last weekend; the Jets lost. The Bears, on the other hand, should have been beaten worse by Minnesota, but for a couple of things. One, Brad Childress is too stupid to give Adrian Peterson the ball. Two, Chicago’s offense (!!) reasserted itself for the second straight week. The records say that they are both bad teams, but the Bears are the better of the two, especially if the defense manages to tackle someone this weekend.
Bill: Hang on, I’m picking up Correll Buckhalter off the waiver wire…OK. Now, what were you saying?
St. Louis @ Seattle
Van’s Pick: Seattle
The Seahawks let the benighted Saints get off the mat for the first time this season. That alone mitigates against me picking them to win. St. Louis, on the other hand, couldn’t play dead in a war movie. One crappy team is at home. Thus says the Magic 8 Ball – home team wins. (Full disclosure demands that I admit to having consulted Plucky Chucky the Picken Chicken for this peck, er, pick…)
Bill: Funny game. The Cliff’s Notes version here is that both Van and I want very badly to pick the Seahawks to lose, but cannot see the Rams winning anything.
Minnesota @ Dallas
Van’s Pick: Dallas
Dallas ain’t Chicago. They might have been manhandled by New England, but there’s no shame in that. In fact, they are the only team to have New England trailing in the second half of a game this season. And Minnesota ain’t New England. The Belicheat has tunnel vision where the Lombardi Trophy is concerned, while Boo Boo The Fool Childress still has problems filling out his depth chart at RB. Because Dallas ain’t Chicago and Minnesota ain’t New England, Dallas wins.
Bill: To make anything at all out of Childress’ statements about Chester Taylor is to make too much. It sez so right here that Adrian Peterson gets the rock over and over just like he should, because the only guy who would not do that is Norv the %&*$ing Idiot Turner, and even he has worked it out. Not that it will matter. The Cowboys man up after their undressing last week.
Pittsburgh @ Denver
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
See, there are some things that just can’t be unsaid or unseen. Waaaay back when Bill and I were impressing basically each other with our Nostradamliness (my word, thanks, Marin), Bill said something horrid about Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin, all the rest of the head coaches, loincloths, and a locked room. While I have had therapy to get over the resultant image, the fact is that Pittsburgh is the third grader who has been held back four times…the one with the dueling sociopathic/pituitary problems…and Denver is the kid who was sent to kindergarten 3 years old because his parents lied about his birth certificate. I think you know where this is going. (And, about the whole loincloth thingy, Mike Tomlin might be the only guy to walk out of that room, but Mike Shanahan will be the only guy whose face doesn’t change throughout.) By the way, Shanahan should get fired after taking another home-field prison-raping of this magnitude. He won’t, but he should.
Bill: Since once again the game requires no discussion, I want to lay bare the greatest logical fallacy in your demand to fire Shanahan. Who would you have replace him? This isn’t rhetorical, I really want to know. No college coaches. Note to NFL GM’s: college guys do not perform in the Show. Ever. I do not understand football well enough to tell you why, but I understand empirical evidence well enough to know it is true. The Broncos hire like the Steelers – they want a guy for the long term. No weird Jimmy Johnson/Bill Parcells fantasies. So, a coordinator. And no re-treads – for every Bill Belichick, there are five Norv Turners. If you have already proven you cannot coach, you probably cannot. Who blows your skirt up? Ron Rivera? Jason Garrett? You really think these guys are better than Shanahan?
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
What do you do when you are the reigning Super Bowl champion, undefeated, untested, and yet find yourself second in public affections? You get all your starters healthy and pound the flaming fecal matter out of the pretenders from the swamp. Jacksonville is just good enough to rouse Indy’s ire. They’ll learn better manners before this one is over.
Bill: So, the Colts are such a beast that they win by hissy fit? There seems to be something self-controverting about your logic here, and since I picked the Jags I hope you are right.
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