Blog
Friday, October 12, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 6
Last Week
Bill: 10-4
Van: 10-4
Season
Bill: 42-34
Van: 49-27
Just for the record, you’ll note that the next time Bill actually out-picks me in a given week will be the first…not to rub salt into any open wounds or anything…and you can check his picks out here, but only if you’ll promise to duly note his selections and do the opposite.
In other news, I’ve decided to embark on a quixotic quest to improve football: I want Mike Shanahan fired.
There are a couple of problems with this, the most notable of which are that all of three people read Bill and I faithfully (not quite the groundswell of grassroots support I’d hope for), and that small problem with Broncos owner Pat Bowlen having granted Shanahan whatever is closest to Papal infallibility without the funny hat. Some might think that I’m being hasty, that I’m basing my decision solely upon last week’s prison-rape loss to Norv The Idiot Turner by a record margin at home. Nope; that was only the last straw. I want this guy fired, and I want it NOW. I have my reasons, and I’ll share them with you throughout.
Bill: At least you understand the definition of quixotic. Pat Bowlen is at the head of a long line of people in Denver trying to crown the Mastermind with everlasting laurels. And while it’s not like the guy has never made any mistakes, the fact that the Broncos let him work through them may have something to do with how much more successful they are than almost any other NFL franchise during the Shanahan era.
Onward!
Tennessee @ Tampa Bay
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Yes, the offense still runs like an engine with water in it, but the defense, anchored by Human Hand Grenade Keith Bulluck, rightly deserves the nickname Tennessee Tyrants. Meanwhile, down in Tampa, Jon Gruden’s Bucs had the taste slapped out of their mouths last weekend by a wounded Indianapolis team, taking some of the shine off his newly-updated resume. In fact, things are so bad that Gruden might actually try to get a smoked-out Ricky Williams in pewter this season…that is, if Kennesaw Mountain Goodell allows it.
Bill: All you have to do to get a sweet nickname is pick off Drew Brees three times? Can you get us an exclusive with your boy Ricky? I assume there is some kind of string and tin can yurt-to-yurt network y’all are on.
Minnesota @ Chicago
Van’s Pick: Chicago
Admit it: none of us really saw Chicago going into Green Bay and reverting back into the Monsters of the Midway, but they certainly did. Suddenly, all that was wrong with them the week before seems to have been magically fixed. The quarterback is playing within himself and the system (that is to say, anything looks better than Rex Grossman right now), the running back actually ran, and the defense suddenly woke up and remembered that they ate raw meat. Minnesota, meanwhile, is just a mess. Brad Childress is showing Shanahan-esque stupidity with his morbid refusal to make Adrian Peterson the focal point of his offense. The problem here is that he finally relents and turns the kid loose…only to get him broken against a Bear defense that is back to scorching the earth.
Bill: The only thing that happened to the Bears suddenly was the return of a bunch of injured guys, notably 16-tackle madman Lance Briggs, who lit some fools up for a guy who will never play another down for the Bears as of last June.
Houston @ Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
Whatever was wrong with Jacksonville earlier this season, they seem to have all oars in the water now. After two fairly impressive road wins (okay, one impressive road win…the other one was against that granite-faced knucklehead in Denver), they return home to get a wounded Houston team. The way they’re playing right now, I’m not certain that it would matter if Houston was completely healthy. Still, Houston plays hard and makes it close.
Miami @ Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
What do we know about Cleveland? They beat bad teams at home. They horsewhipped Cincinnati and beat the stink off of Baltimore at Brown Stadium, and they will gut the Fish Guts. The shame of it all is that fantasy franchise killer Ronnie Brown is finally dialed in, but it won’t matter. The Dolphins get beat while Cam Cameron plays footsie with the AD of some Division 1-A football power on his Crackberry.
Bill: Cameron is like an aging beauty queen with a closet full of Twinkies – he had better play footsie fast because he is becoming less salable by the day. Boosters can get behind a 6-10 NFL coach, but 1-15 is kind of a buzzkill.
Van vs. Shanahan
Van’s Pick: Van
Reason 1: Exactly how many quarterbacks has this alleged quarterbacks coach developed that weren’t named John Elway? Jay Cutler is now making the same boneheaded plays that Brian Griese and Jake Plummer made before him.
Bill: While you have a basically sound point, the Cutler decision really isn’t ready to go to jury yet. The kid has ten games under his belt at the most complex position in sports, which is hardly a fair sample size. Besides that, in the quick-trigger NFL you can only level this accusation at Shanahan because he has been in one place for so long – 90% of NFL head coaches have never successfully developed a quarterback because there are not that many out there and if they had found one, they would still be head men in the show, but by and large they are not.
St. Louis @ Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
What do we know about St. Louis? Gus Friggin’ Frerotte. I don’t care how bad Baltimore looked last weekend, they are still waaaay better than the St. Louis Corpses with Gus Friggin’ Frerotte at QB. Willis McGahee continues to do yeoman’s work, the defense continues to be wasted under the mystifying coaching of the Shanahan-esque Brian Billick, and Baltimore wins anyway.
Bill: You know what the difference is between arrogance and egotism? Whether or not it is justified. When Bill Belichick sneers at the press, which qualifies as a good interview in New England, it is OK. The guy is so great at what he does that he seems perfectly capable of greater, like maybe he does actually have a cure for cancer but does not think we have earned it yet. When Billick gets snide, I always find myself yelling at the television. Who the hell is Brian Billick and how does that compare to who he thinks he is?
Washington @ Green Bay
Van’s Pick: Washington
Washington wins this game for a couple of reasons: they won’t make the kind of dumb mistakes that Green Bay tends to make (what in the name of Garo Ypremian was Brett Favre thinking on that interception he “tossed” to Brian Urlacher last weekend?), their defense is stout, and their coaching is far more sound. Watch for Packers head coach Mike McCarthy to make a couple more Shanahan-esque head scratching calls on offense, and watch Washington win going away.
Bill: It’s easy to make head-scratching calls on offense when you have no running game at all. I f you do not believe me, just watch Shanahan after we lose Travis Henry to the great boudoir in the ether.
Cincinnati @ Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
Once again, whatever is wrong with your offense, Cincinnati’s defense is like balm from Gilead. It sez so right here that we can take Dwayne Bowe’s face off the milk cartons this weekend, and that the offense suddenly looks potent…so much so that perpetually jealous Priest Holmes might even keep his pie hole shut for a week.
Bill: As long as you don’t want to actually write in Elvish – or Klingon – I guess I will let the reference go. I still think the Bungles are salvageable this year, but here you and I are throwing dirt on the coffin.
Philadelphia @ New York Jets
Van’s Pick: New York Jets
If you’re suddenly wondering why a Philadelphia team that many picked to win the division suddenly looks like flaming fecal matter, look no further than the quarterback and the sideline. Donovan McNabb is a shadow of the player that lead the Eagles to the Super Bowl, and it’s almost painful to watch. But then we wouldn’t have to watch if head coach Andy Reid weren’t wandering the sidelines like a homeless guy in front of a heat vent. Here’s how distracted Reid is: the perpetually benighted Marty Morninghweg (!!) is handling the play-calling, allegedly with Reid’s blessing. This game will look like the old-fashioned magnet football for four quarters.
Bill: OK, it’s confession time. I have never played football. I have never attended a coaching camp. There are probably reams and mountains and boatloads of nuance I just don’t get. I do not know what goes on in a locker room. I’m goofy, I’m clueless, I’m not a former jock, I’m a writer. I am not Sean Salisbury (and thank God), I’m John Clayton. All this to say that I do not always know what is coaching and what is execution, much as most people could not parse acting vs. directing vs. script. But I do know that Andy Reid is mailing in one of the worst coaching performances of the modern era, saved from the funeral pyre only by his temporal proximity to Norv The Idiot Turner.
Van vs. Shanahan
Van’s Pick: Van
Reason 2: Who is the architect of this mess? Our man Shanahan! Previously, he was able to hide his quarterback failures with stout defense and a potent running game. This season? The defense is Champ Bailey, a bunch of fat guys, a bunch of really fat guys, and Sam Adams (the tackle, not the beer, and more’s the pity because the offense might actually stop their blocks for some suds). The offense? Hurt (Tom Nalen, Javon Walker, no adequate replacements in sight), Confused (Jay Cutler), Missing (Tony Scheffler, back in WitSec), or Higher Than A Hooker’s Skirt (Travis Henry).
Bill: In the salary cap era, you do not have to look far to find good teams hurting for depth (see the Bears in week four?). And while there are not that many fat guys, Sam Adams…holy cow. The most entertaining part of last Sunday’s game was watching his fat ass run in and out of the game. I could not help but think he might play better if they substituted him less.
Carolina @ Arizona
Van’s Pick: Arizona
Kurt Warner, you old dawg! You still have some life left in the old fastball. Arizona’s offense looks positively dangerous when Warner’s under center, and they get a Panther team being led by witless David Carr. And yes, Bill, I’m backpedaling on Arizona. Shut up.
Bill: Hey, I have no problem with adjusting your opinion as new facts come to light. To do otherwise would be…say it with me…Republican.
Oakland @ San Diego
Van’s Pick: Oakland
I still don’t believe in San Diego. I still don’t believe in Norv The Idiot Turner. I don’t believe that they can do it two weeks in a row. Oakland comes in with a better defense than the crepe paper in Denver, and just enough offense to make a difference.
Bill: While I think you are wrong about the game, I cannot tell you with a straight face that your cynicism is misplaced. I do have some issue with calling Norv Turner “The Idiot,” even though I have cheerfully cadged it, because it looks less like the indictment it is than a reference to the Iggy Pop album, which is the brilliant record that gave us the eerie “Funtime” (subsequently covered by Mr. Eerie himself Peter Murphy and featured in the vampire flick “The Hunger” with its great Susan Sarandon/Catherine Deneuve lesbian scene, which is waaaaaaayyyyyy better than anything the Chargers have done this year) and the original “China Girl.” So I propose we call him Norv The *#$%ing Idiot Turner to avoid confusion.
New England @ Dallas
Van’s Pick: New England
It’s pretty much a given that Dallas will play better than last week’s miraculous 6-turnover victory in Buffalo, and it’s also pretty much a given that it won’t matter one bit. T.O. can write all the little notes he wants to write in an attempt to hype the game up as a matchup between two of the premier receivers in football, but the Belicheat has all of his guys focused on letting their performance do all the talking.
Bill: I can’t wait for this game.
New Orleans @ Seattle
Van’s Pick: Seattle
How bad is New Orleans? In four games, they have scored 51 whole points. Cleveland managed that in one game already this season. They’re averaging a shade over two scoring drives per game, or one fewer than Travis Henry (bada bing!). And with the exception of the David Carr Panthers, they’ve allowed point totals of 41, 31, and 31. I used to think that they played in the NFC South, but apparently they are much, much farther south than that…the Ninth Circle of Hell, perhaps, and no Virgil to lead them out again (read a book!).
Bill: If Sean Payton is Virgil (or not, according to Van), that must make Drew Brees Tyresias. I’m thinking Travis Henry just chose the wrong profession. He’s less a running back than he is a rock star, a guy who belongs in that world where lingerie appears regularly at your feet and illicit drugs are not only not tested for, but assumed. Then we could go to Bobby Brown for comment (“Yo, my boy got issues, f’real”).
New York Giants @ Atlanta
Van’s Pick: New York Giants
Right about now, Falcons head coach Bobby Petrified, er, Petrino must feel like a man walking into a lion cage while wearing a three-piece pork chop suit whenever he dares venture into a locker room he lost a long time ago. If Alge Crumpler had tried chin-checking Mike Ditka in Ditka’s first year on the job, he’d show up at the next presser with a steak over one eye and Ditka right next to him taking his questions. Ditka:“Uh, da tight end can’t talk dis week, on account a his mouth ain’t workin’ too good. Seems whenever he opens it, he gets slugged in da headlamps.” Beat writer: “Alge, Alge, is that true?” Ditka, to Crumpler: “Shut da hell up an’ nod, you…”
Bill: If Norv is The Idiot (or The #$%*ing Idiot), can Bobby be The Bitch? Given the Falcons’ penchant for hanging around in games, I wonder if a real NFL could get them into the “W” column some.
Van vs. Shanahan
Van’s Pick: Shanahan
But for all my legitimate carping, for all that this team is going belly-up in a division that has the god-forsaken Raiders in first place, it won’t make any difference at all because apparently Stone-face Shanahan has incriminating photos of Pat Bowlen and a goat (in Bowlen’s defense, it was an honest mistake; he was there for the sheep and it was really dark until that flash illuminated everything…). Much like the Fords sticking with Matt Millen in spite of all logic and reason, Bowlen has decided that Shanahan is Dictator For Life, period…or until I finally break on through to the other side and he gives Shanny the bum’s rush…
Bill: There you go, rediscovering quixotic. Shanahan is going nowhere, just like you and your weak excuse for picks. It’s all about Bill from here on out. Beefcake. Beefcake!
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