Blog
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 4
Last Week
Bill: 8-8
Van: 9-7
Season
Bill: 27-21
Van: 32 – 16
The lead is five games and counting…not to be obvious or anything.
And in other obvious news, Michael Vick got busted for smoking dope…this while awaiting sentencing on federal charges. I just can’t imagine such a fine and upstanding young man resorting to drugs (!!) in his despair over killing helpless canines. I’m thinking two things here. One, I’d bet that the judge isn’t going to look too kindly upon Ron Mexico’s leisure time activities, and that he may decide that the former Chief Execution Officer of Bad Newz Kennelz might warrant a little extra time in stir to give him the proper perspective.
Two, ol’ ConVick has about as much chance of catching a break for smoking the herb as Bill does of catching me this season…
Bill: Actually, your boy Mike still has the opportunity to turn state’s evidence. I have only…math. Check out my picks here.
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
Okay, Brad Childress, here’s the question, and, as always, death is not an option: Tarvaris Jackson, Kelly Holcomb, or Brooks Bollinger? Heck, I’d give all three of them a quarter, and the best performer gets to finish…not that it will matter. The Old Dude Formerly Known As Brett Favre continues his comeback tour, opening for the reconstituted Van Halen and leading the Pack to a W.
Bill: This week, Van Walker and I will be competing to see who gets to be the new Vikings GM. Whichever one of us wins gets to lure Jeff George out of retirement or trade for one of the Bucs’ eleven mediocre quarterbacks (all of whom are Kelly Holcomb, now that I think about it), or do absolutely anything else to signify our understanding that you need a capable signal caller to win in the NFL.
Houston @ Atlanta
Van’s Pick: Houston
We got sub-plot in this one, as Atlanta GM Rich McKay’s personal horror story comes full circle this weekend. If I were Falcons owner Arthur Blank, I’d give McKay a swift kick in the butt for every down that former Falcon Matt Schaub plays for the enemy…or, actually, I’d hire someone to do it, because that’s going to be a lot of kicking and it will go on all day long.
Bill: The tragedy of this game is that Van has been making Rich McKay private hell jokes all year, but now that McKay is actually going to hell it is no longer in good taste.
Baltimore @ Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
I trust either of these teams about as far as I trust Bill to throw his sister. The last time Cleveland was at home against what people thought was an overwhelming favorite, they hung 51 points on them…and no, I still can’t get that number out of my head. It’s like a really bad song that just keeps repeating and repeating in your mind…or like accidentally seeing an older relative naked…you know, something that’s just scorched onto your retina forever. Baltimore comes into this game with a defense that is prone to giving up lots of passing yards, and that seems to play well in Cleveland…but, gosh dang it, it’s still Baltimore we’re talking about here. If Cleveland wins, well, fool me twice, shame on me.
Bill: I need to check to see how far I can throw my sister. It probably depends on whether or not I sedate her first. She’s got a ton of hair, like I could just bury my hands in there and get a good, solid grip, and maybe get some momentum spinning her around first like the hammer throw. Naturally, this also depends on her being sedated. And I have to do it somewhere private, like with a big fence, because it’s not worth my freedom to have to explain to the police why I am trying to throw my semi-conscious sister across the lawn.
St. Louis @ Dallas
Van’s Pick: Dallas
This is the game that gets me. A couple of weeks ago, I lost the Walker Family Fortune when I took Cincinnati over Cleveland. This weekend, with a lot more information available, it would appear that Dallas is the overwhelming favorite after the prime time emasculation they performed on the Bears last weekend. The ‘Boys score like it’s a video game, and St. Louis can’t get out of their own way. Tony Romo is the ascendant QB in the NFC, and Marc Bulger suddenly looks overpaid after being one of the top signal callers in football for the last four years. While it’s the upset you don’t see that gets you, I cannot pick St. Louis in this game, even if they came into it healthy and sound at offensive line.
Bill: You have nothing to fear here, Van Walker. Tony Romo is a Jedi.
New York Jets @ Buffalo
Van’s Pick: New York Jets
The Bills are starting a quarterback who sounds like a presidential candidate (Trent Edwards! The Best of Both Worlds! The Compassion of John Edwards with none of the vapidity! The Fiscal Responsibility of Trent Lott with no ties to the Klan! Quarterbacking You To The Future!). The Jets will make him look better than he should, kinda like the miracle-workers in television makeup do with Oprah…damn…but the Jets still win.
Bill: I did not see Trent Edwards throw a single college pass because he played at Stanford. John Elway played at Stanford. So did Chad Hutchinson (Chad Hutchinson – not a Jedi). Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh knows what it takes to play quarterback in the NFL – unfortunately, Edwards never played for Harbaugh. Speaking of Harbaugh, isn’t Captain Comeback running neck and neck with Jim McMahon for best Bears quarterback of the last 40 years? Meanwhile, the Jets are bad and the Bills are much worse and I really have nothing to say about this awful excuse for a football game.
Chicago @ Detroit
Van’s Pick: Detroit
Shut up, Bill. Just shut the hell up. I know that my team is going to a QB that three other teams, including yours, had given up on. I know that my running back is softer than a lover’s whisper. I know that my defense is broken, and that it was prone to prolific passing attacks like the one in Detroit even before they lost 4, count ‘em, 4 Pro Bowlers in last week’s massacre. I went to bed last Saturday night and my Bears were facing a litmus test for this season. I went to bed last Sunday night and it was 1998 all over again, with Death Spiral Dave Wannstedt coaching, Erik Kramer throwing to no one in particular, and Edgar Bennett allegedly “rushing” for 613 yards…in a whole season. I thought I’d forgotten that 4-12 nightmare. But noooooo…the Milquetoasts of the Midway are baaaack. And shut up, Bill.
Bill: Better Erik Kramer than Rusty Lisch. I thought about going with your Lions over your Bears here, too (ah, yes, a doozy of a Sunday night in the Walker yurt), but for one thing Calvin Johnson probably will not play. Without Johnson, the ’07 Lions are the ’06 Lions. The other thing is that at all of his eighteen previous NFL stops, Brian Griese has looked brilliant in his first start. Brilliant. Denver, Miami and Tampa Bay all wondered after Griese willed them to victory how they could have stumbled into this incredible bargain. After just a few more starts, the Fish and Bucs both released him outright and in Denver he got injured tripping over his golden retriever. But this week, Griese is a mortal lock.
Oakland @ Miami
Van’s Pick: Miami
Just be glad that these picks are for entertainment purposes only, because I wouldn’t bet Afghan currency on this game. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do here? How on earth do I distinguish between these two smoldering piles of fecal matter? This is like playing the wingman to your better-looking friend, and knowing that all of the remaining choices could get their own dog food ad. Still, since I’m on the record, I’m picking the Fish Guts.
Bill: You realize that if Oakland wins this game, they will be 2-2 and probably tied for the AFC West lead? Man, my division sucks. It’s like I fell asleep and woke up in the NFC West.
Seattle @ San Francisco
Van’s Pick: Seattle
You know, I really wanted to pick San Francisco in this game. I really did. But I don’t think that the Niners are quite there yet. They got their lunch money taken from them in Pittsburgh last weekend, and that shouldn’t happen to an ascendant team (witness Houston fighting Indianapolis to a standstill last weekend without their best receiver). Seattle, on the other hand, further exposed Cincinnati. Gotta go with the Holmgrens until further notice.
Bill: Oh, look, speaking of the NFC West…who are the Seattle Seahawks? Seriously. Have they had Nate Burleson all this time or did he just come out of the coma he entered immediately after his one monster game for the Vikings three years ago? See, I don’t like the Seahawks because I can see that the Niners and Cards are trying, and I can sympathize that the Rams really believed they were somebody different than they really are, but I cannot figure out what the Seahawks are trying to accomplish. They lose this game because I do not like them.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Van’s Pick: Carolina
It might not matter who starts at QB in Carolina, because it won’t be 100-year-old Chris Weinke. Tampa Bay is a bad team, and I don’t like bad teams on the road. (And yes, I was really tempted to go with that whole “Three Eggs And Ham” bit, but Bill already plagiarized it, and I don’t plagiarize from plagiarizers. I plagiarize directly from the source, because I have scruples. I used to have principles, but my doctor got me a good anti-biotic to clear that right up.)
Bill: It’s not plagiarism, it’s homage. I was gonna go Oh, The Places You’ll Go (which I can recite in its entirety through no fault of my own), but I’ve seen the poets you espouse, so I was pretty sure it would be over your head. Meanwhile, you’re sleeping on the Bucs. They are not bad, they only should be bad. I think. Still haven’t seen them play.
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
We got sub-plot in this one too, as former Pittsburgh assistants Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm get to lead their Cardinals against the employer who so callously jilted them in favor of newbie Mike Timlin. So far, Timlin seems to have the Steeler ship going in the right direction, which has got to grind Whisenhunt and Grimm, both of whom would not have lost a minute’s sleep if the Steelers had gone 0-3. Add to that the minor catfight that Whisenhunt and Ben Roethlisberger have been having about the play-calling last season, and we have the potential for a flag festival this weekend. Expect Grimm to pull some old-school dirty tricks out of the bag, expect Whisenhunt to break out his old playbook for his new defense’s dissemination…and expect the Cardinals to get beaten anyway, because, well, they are the Cardinals. There may not be a more dysfunctional franchise in sports. All of a sudden, Kurt Warner’s star is shining again? What the hell? This is why the Cardinals are perennially parked in the top five picks in the draft every year. It sez so right here that if you can’t make Matt Leinart work for you, it’s your own fault. Gaah.
Bill: Hey Mr. Spellcheck, I think you’ll find the guy’s name is Tomlin. It seems like we identified all the same factors at work in this game and my conclusion was that the premises matter and yours was that they did not. This makes me significantly more Socratic than you. Hang on a sec, I’m doing my superior dance. For some reason.
Kansas City @ San Diego
Van’s Pick: San Diego
KC coach Herm Edwards says he’s being patient with the offense. If he were any more patient, he’d be in a sarcophagus in the bottom of the Great Pyramid at Giza. See, what ol’ Herm doesn’t realize is that no one is afraid of his current crop of QBs, which means 9 men in the box waiting for Larry Johnson to do anything at all. And until he does something about it, it won’t get any better against the Bolts.
Bill: An interesting development in KC (although admittedly not one that will save them in this game) is that it looks like rookie receiver Dwayne Bowe can actually play football, which would make him the Chefs’ first legitimate wideout since Derrick Alexander (whom, admit it, you completely forgot ever existed). I missed that Herm line – somebody should mash that up with the “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME” bit and cut it up over the Pussycat Dolls “Don’cha.”
Denver @ Indianapolis
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Last weekend, both of your humble scribes saw their beloved favorites lose. The trend continues this weekend. If Denver couldn’t beat the truly awful Jag-U-Aints in Denver, they have Bill’s chance of catching me to beat Indy in Indy. Welcome to reality, Bill…it looks a whole lot like being happy for 8-8…or 6-10.
Bill: For the record, 8-8 was my Bronco prediction before the season started. The guy you need to watch in this game is Anthony Gonzalez, the Colts’ rookie slot receiver. With Marvin and Reggie locked up by Champ and Dre, Peyton gets to spend all day scrubbing Jeff Shoate with Gonzalez. In this first real test of Jim Bates’ brand new sparkling Donkeys’ defense, I fear we will find that, like Jay Cutler, it’s at least a year away.
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
Van’s Pick: New York Giants
And remember, death is not an option…until you’ve made your choice: haggis or lutefisk? One of these teams is haggis, and one is lutefisk. There’s no better way to say it. Picking the winner here will feel just about as satisfying, because, at the end of the day, you’ve eaten either haggis or lutefisk.
Bill: I had to look up lutefisk. I know I chose the one you didn’t, but I really don’t care to know which one is which.
New England @ Cincinnati
Van’s Pick: New England
If you are a gambling degenerate, you’ve GOT to take New England to cover whatever the spread is, and then get the exacta with the over on total points. There’s almost no way that New England doesn’t equal what Cleveland did, not with that Mr. Fuji Mind-To-Mind contact that Randy Moss and Tom Brady currently have. This one gets ugly early, and because The Belicheat is still stung from getting caught, it stays ugly all the way throughout.
Bill: Brady is learning how Daunte Culpepper earned the Incredible Cap-Killing Contract – Randy Moss is always open. Always. As long as he is interested enough to actually run a route, any route, he will be open. If he runs a deep route, he begins his adjustment as soon as you cock your arm so that you will always appear to hit him in stride.
New Orleans @ Bye
Van’s Pick: Bye
If there was no defense on the field, it would still take New Orleans sixteen plays to score…and that includes the two fourth down calls in the drive. I said it before, and I’ll say it again: Reggie Bush = Raghib Ismail, small, no position, allergic to contact, and only college-fast, not NFL fast. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all to find that Mister Mr. Drew Brees has a…wait for it…Broken Wing.
Bill: Ugh. You’re 1-0 before the weekend ever starts. The freakin’ Saints are that team. Later in the year, when I am regularly humiliating Van, my early season devotion to the Ain’ts will still be out here for absolutely anybody to see. It’s like marrying the super-model but your homeboys keep wanting to remind you, “yo, you remember that one time at Fish’s place during the hula party when you hooked up with that chick with the goatee?”
Well now its time to say goodbye to Van and all his picks.
And they would like to thank you folks fer treatin’ Bill’s like ticks.
You're all invited back next week if you ain’t dead or sick
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of ol’ Bill getting’ his butt kicked…
Remember this moment when Van recommends poetry to you.
< back |
