Blog
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Posedown - NFL Week 3
Last Week
Bill: 11-5
Van: 11-5
Season
Bill: 19-13
Van: 23 – 9
Last weekend, any knucklehead could have done well with his picks (case-in-point: Bill goes 11-5. Next on Oprah: Rosie O’Donnell takes a vow of silence!). This weekend, Bill changes his name to Beirut because he gets bombed-out and depleted…
Anyway, enough about the loser…let’s get to what makes you the envy of the wiseguys you’ve taken money from for the last two weeks. You can check Bill’s picks here, but those are only posted for entertainment purposes…okay, not really…they’re only posted for those who are morbidly curious. For the rest of us who are not currently on a Schedule-3 narcotic, game on!
Bill: Whatever. I don’t have time for this. I’m late for my medication.
Indianapolis @ Houston
Van’s Pick: Indianapolis
Let’s just say it: Houston has no chance without a 100% healthy Andre Johnson. Period. If my main mans Andre was healthy, I’d pick the upset just to be different. With players named “Jacoby Jones” and “Nobody N. Particular” at WR, Matt Schaub gets a taste of what David Carr got, if only for 60 minutes and not the last five seasons.
Bill: This is eerily like what I said about this game, only less literate. I think it is reasonable to ask after two weeks whether Schaub or Johnson is more valuable to the Texans.
Buffalo @ New England
Van’s Pick: New England
As long as J.P. Loserman is the signal caller for this team, the only appropriate signal to call is S.O.S. Bill Belicheat and the Binoculars win this one going away.
Bill: Van and I are both better quarterbacks than J.P. Losman.
Miami @ New York Jets
Van’s Pick: Miami
Okay. This is the first of a LOT of games this weekend in which I have no reason to pick either team. None whatsoever. Where to begin, where to begin? I could start with the Fish Guts, a team starting a 100-year-old concussed veteran at QB, a running back that has single-handedly prevented untold thousands of fantasy owners from ever winning their leagues, and receivers as sure-handed as mountain goats…oh, wait, mountain goats don’t have hands…my bad…But it could be worse. There are the Jets. Oscar Goldman couldn’t put Chad Pennington together again and make a serviceable QB. Thomas Jones is the AFC version of Reuben Droughns, but with bigger biceps and 99 more yards. And if Eric Mangini learned anything from Belicheat, he better get to using it quickly, because this team looks overmatched so far. Then again, it may not make a difference if Pennington knows what the defense is doing, because Jones can’t get out of his own way and Pennington throws the 4-yard-out on third-and-ten as well as any sorry QB in the league…
Bill: My wife and I were recently married when the Jets drafted Pennington. This was when he had the sweet Sammy Hagar ‘do. During that summer, I had a dream that Pennington was an ex-boyfriend of hers and was trying to steal her back with his big, fat rookie quarterback contract. I hate Chad Pennington. This game suggests a variation of the jack factor, the speculative amount of money that Chuck Klostermann assigned to different albums, being what it would take for him to never listen to that record again. In this case, what would somebody have to pay you to watch this game? No need to go overboard. It’s not a lot. After all, it is football and not NASCAR, but I would not watch it for free. If I could watch it on DVR so I could skip between plays and not miss another game, probably $30. My time ain’t free, yo. If I had to miss a decent game, probably double it. If I had to miss the Broncos’ game, maybe $100. Maybe more. I am not going to watch this game.
Detroit @ Philadelphia
Van’s Pick: Detroit
The Lions are a mirage. They have yet to play a major league football team this season, and this week will be no different. How hard will it be for the Honolulu Blue to put 9 men in the box and grab Brian Westbrook on every down, whether he has the ball or not? It ain’t like Donovan McNabb will do anything this season but usher in the Kevin Kolb era that much sooner. Then, too, it’s hard to pick against God’s favorite QB. (And, for the record, when a concussed QB claims that he was miraculously healed of a concussion by the Almighty His Own Self, he sounds…er…concussed. This isn’t to say that God didn’t intervene, but that we don’t have anything other than a concussed QB’s word that anything extraordinary happened. Last I checked, genuine God-authored miracles require Charlton Heston…or Jim Caviezel, at the very least…)
Bill: Once upon a time, everybody acknowledged that McNabb needed targets, that the Iggles’ receiving corps was an embarrassment to hand to an elite quarterback. Then they got T.O. and discovered that there are actually worse things than not having a great receiver. Since then, it seems somehow universally accepted that Reggie Brown is just as good a receiver as the Iggles ought to have. Why has nobody noticed that Philly has gone back to square one, and it was a bad square? By the way, the little God/Jon Kitna interplay replaces Michael Strahan’s divorce as my new favorite joke.
San Francisco @ Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
Ben Roethlisberger is making me into a believer. Now that the cobwebs of a near-fatal accident have finally cleared, he’s throwing strikes to his receivers and making them better. This is very important, because he lucked into both Flotsam and Jetsam at WR. As a bonus, Willie Parker is doing nothing but break the hearts of all the UV-deprived fantasy geeks that drafted Steven Jackson ahead of him in the first round. Alex Smith has flashbacks to his rookie season when all he did was run for his life and throw the ball into the press booth…
Bill: Willie Parker is the anti-Lamont Jordan. I see Jordan, I think he can play and nobody else does. I see Fast Willie play and I am not impressed, but the numbers say otherwise. Normally, I would demand a win over a quality opponent before believing, but I am with Van. If you beat bad teams soundly enough, it is as convincing as beating a good team by a little.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay
Van’s Pick: Tampa Bay
Damn…I would…no, but…still…damn. For real. I tried flipping a coin and it stuck on its edge between the floorboards. Only God knows who wins this one, and He’s too busy keeping Jon Kitna’s head from doing a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots again this weekend to tell me…damn…
Bill: Another $30 game. Have you noticed that the games you are having a hard time picking are between teams that suck? I have the same problem. I think I just cannot countenance either of these teams actually winning a game.
San Diego @ Green Bay
Van’s Pick: San Diego
Let’s just put it this way: the Packers have sleepwalked through their schedule thus far. The Chargers are the amyl nitrate that wakes them up to the horrid realities of their limitations this season. Green Bay gets slapped around so soundly that Brett Favre holds the press hostage by releasing alternate “I’m-retiring-I’m-playing” messages every hour on the hour until kickoff next weekend, anything to keep the ink-stained wretches from looking at the little old man in the Favre jersey behind the curtain.
Bill: After games against the Eagles and Giants, both of whom participated by absentee ballot, the Packers know nothing about themselves. If they lose by less than two touchdowns, they are indeed a legitimate team who should challenge for a wild card in the NFC. If they lose by more…they still won’t know anything about themselves.
Arizona @ Baltimore
Van’s Pick: Baltimore
At the risk of repetition, Arizona = sleepwalkers. Baltimore = amyl nitrate. And since Matt Leinart is a little too young to retire (especially with that baby-mama money yet to be paid), we get distracted by the actress/flavor of the month sitting with his mom this weekend. What do you want me to say? That this one will be close? That the Cardinals will make a game out of it? It’s one thing to beat schizoid Seattle in Seattle. It’s another thing entirely to beat schizoid Baltimore in…wait a minute…nope. I’ve made my mind up. It’s Baltimore. I think. No, I’m sure. Reasonably. Mostly.
Bill: I like the Cardinals. I think they do not pay Russ Grimm enough, regardless of what they are paying him, since he has built a serviceable offensive line out of Lincoln logs. They have, however, been a little spoiled playing in their jacked up little division and have not seen lumber anything like the Ravens swing.
Minnesota @ Kansas City
Van’s Pick: Kansas City
TavErroneous Jackson gives the Chef defense all it needs to win this game, and Larry Johnson gets 250 of this season’s 500 carries in this game, because Herm Edwards trusts his QBs about as much as a chicken farmer trusts a fox to guard the henhouse.
Bill: $100. No checks.
Cleveland @ Oakland
Van’s Pick: Cleveland
Don’t look at me that way. Don’t you go giving me the eye. As far as I’m concerned, one of these teams snatched defeat from the jaws of victory last weekend in Denver, and the other one pulled a Michael Jordan and hung 51 on their arch-nemesis (comic book reference!). I’m going with the team that scored 51 until I see them suck again.
Bill: This game is a bit of an exception. While I am not sure who wins this, after last weekend I am not positive that either of these teams purely suck. You just cannot overstate 51 points. As an old WAC football guy, I love a good 90-point game, but this is the NFL. I am also interested to see if Oakland can build on the cojones they showed last week.
Cincinnati @ Seattle
Van’s Pick: Seattle
Meanwhile, there’s the team that gave up 51 points to…uh…Derek Anderson? For real? What on earth will Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck do to them if Derek Stinkin’ Anderson could hang 51 on them? I’ll tell you what they’ll do: they’ll keep it a LOT closer than they ought, but Shaun Alexander follows the Jamal Lewis path to glory and the Seahawks hang one in the left column.
Bill: I have no idea what to make of the Bengals. Just as eye-opening that Cleveland hung 51 is that Cincy gave them up. The question is whether the offense can run as fast as the defense can back-pedal. The Seahawks, on the other hand, are clearly not very good. I don’t like their line on either side of the ball and I do not like their receivers. Anybody who claims to know what the Bengals might do is a charlatan, a sophist, a woman from Jersey with a bright red turban and a fake-ass accent. But a statistician who picks the Bengals because he has calculated that they only need a 38th percentile performance to beat Seattle is smarter than Van.
Jacksonville @ Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
I still believe that the real Jay Cutler hasn’t shown up yet. This guy is not Rex Grossman AFC, nor is he John Elway (thank God; Elway didn’t figure it out until he was almost in the broadcast booth). The real Jay Cutler will eventually assert himself this season with confident throws and no mentally-stupid plays that hurt his team. We may see him this weekend against a Jag team that is already belly-up and bailing on their autocratic head coach.
Bill: Allow me to commit Mile High heresy here – John Elway was not that good. Ron Jaworski had him rated as the sixth-best quarterback of all-time, the lowest I have seen him on anybody’s list since he entered the Hall, and I think Jaws is far closer than any of his peers. If I am down six at my own twenty with two minutes left in the game, I am giving the ball to Elway. As a Denver fan, the thing I miss the most with Elway’s retirement is the security of absolutely knowing in that situation that the Broncos will win. Thing is, games are actually sixty minutes long. Second and twelve from midfield with ten minutes left in the second quarter? I can honestly think of a hundred quarterbacks I would rather see take that snap. It is true that the Broncos went to three Super Bowls almost entirely on the strength of his right arm, that he won with relatively little talent around him, but he also regularly committed mind-numbingly stupid mistakes until about the last three years of his career. He is top ten all-time, but not top three.
Carolina @ Atlanta
Van’s Pick: Carolina
You gotta love the Falcons this season. Whatever is wrong with your team, one week with the Falcons will cure what ails you. In this particular case, the Pinks suddenly look like challengers for the NFC crown after giving the Dirty Birds a fairly convincing pummeling.
Bill: While I do not hold the whole dog-fighting thing against the Falcons, I maintain some disrespect for the gross mismanagement that caused them to trade Matt Schaub. Had Michael Vick done something, anything in the six months preceding the trade to indicate to the Rich McKay and Arthur Blank that he would do nothing so incredibly stupid that it would require a backup quarterback? I hope they lose to Bye.
New York Giants @ Washington
Van’s Pick: Washington
What’s not to like about Washington now? They were supposed to lose last weekend in Philly, but their young QB made the plays that the Illadelph’s old QB used to make, back in the pre-T.O. days. (By the way, did I mention that I called that one? Just checking…) The Giants have finally run out of suspects for not winning the Super Bowl, and Drill Sergeant Coughlin got left holding the bag. It’s not whether Coughlin was ever right or wrong, but when the masses are no longer drinking the Kool-Aid and giving their wives for “spiritual re-education weekend,” it’s time to find a new cult leader.
Bill: I have a theory. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, thinks Tom Coughlin is going to keep his job, much less justifies why he should. Why would the Giants wait? Shouldn’t they deposit him immediately on the trash heap of ill memories and broken dreams? You could have said, and probably did say, all of this about Isiah Thomas eighteen months ago. And then Zeke righted the ship. My theory is that the incredible concentration of iPods in New York creates a magnetic field that causes brain damage in the optimism lobe.
Dallas @ Chicago
Van’s Pick: Chicago
Irresistible force meets immovable object, and the Bears are that immovable object. The Cowboys learn what happens to QBs when the opposing corners are more than able to cover the WRs…in this case, Tony Romo calls Jon Kitna for a good word with the Big Guy, after he’s backhoe’d out of the turf with Tommie Harris’ cleat-print in his chest. Devin Hester returns a kickoff and a punt for scores because Jerry Jones is as stupid this weekend as Herm Edwards was last weekend.
Bill: Every time the subject of the Bears comes up, I picture you at your computer with your pupils dilated flapping your elbows emphatically as you pound your poor innocent keyboard with this crap. Little update – I picked them, but I am still cheering against the Bears.
Tennessee @ New Orleans
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Since Bill’s been calling New Orleans all season, and I’ve been calling Tennessee all year, this is the classic “Something’s Gotta Give” game…which means that the game will end in a tie, of course…naaaaaah. Vince and the rest of the Teen Titans get ‘er done in the Big Easy. New Orleans stinks worse than an andouille sausage factory right now…
Bill: Shhhh. I’m trapped under a giant weight of self-loathing for picking the Saints. If I flinch because I see a self-respecting Black man using “get ‘er done,” the weight will crush me.
< back |
