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Friday, September 14, 2007

The Posedown - NFL Week 2

Week 1
Bill: 8-8
Van: 12-4

Season
Bill: 8-8
Van: 12-4

And really, are you terribly surprised that Bill is already four games down to me after only one week of play? What else can we expect from a man who purposely picked New Orleans on the road against the Super Bowl champs Indianapolis…or who picked Atlanta against anyone? Unfortunately, we can expect more of the same from Mr. Misguided. See, I use this wacky theory that I like to call “pick the better team.”

Last I heard, Bill was scavenging used book racks for advice from L. Ron Hubbard…

Bill: Using the infinite number of monkeys theory, your monkeys were just more infinite than mine.

As always, these picks are intended for entertainment purposes…or, in the case of Bill’s picks, unintended snorts of laughter.

For superior spelling and grammar, please visit Van’s site here to view my Week Two NFL picks.  Highlights include the actual location of Arrowhead Stadium, a remembrance of the Titans, and some Tolstoy. 

Houston @ Carolina
Van’s Pick: Houston
For those wondering if there is any justice in the world, Atlanta GM Rich McKay’s private hell was open for business the minute he saw Joey Harrington drop back to pass; meanwhile, across the country, in raucous Arrowhead Stadium, Matt Schaub, the guy McKay traded for a used tin of Earl Campbell’s chewing tobacco, was leading his Houston team to what some called an upset. This week, he’ll need to be severely sedated when Schaub pulls off the exacta against Carolina in Carolina.

Bill: First of all, that game was at Reliant Stadium in Houston, not Arrowhead.  Second of all, nobody thought Kansas City was going to win that game.  Until they play the Raidas, nobody will think Kansas City is going to win ANY game.  Carolina’s win at St. Louis is a better win than Houston’s at home.  Houston may be improved, but they have to win this game before I would pick them to win this game, if you know what I’m saying.

Atlanta @ Jacksonville
Van’s Pick: Jacksonville
You can’t make this stuff up. You just can’t. Jacksonville was simply horrible in a loss at home to Tennessee last weekend, and they won’t look much better this week. The problem is that Atlanta comes in with utterly no clue about offense, defense, or special teams. Bobby Petrino looks like he’s in waaaay over his head, especially defensively, where his team let a cipher like Tavaris Jackson look like Warren Moon last weekend. This weekend, they make David Garrard a fantasy star.

Bill:  Jacksonville, this year’s recipient of the traditional Bizarre Week One Loss, will look better this week.  They are better.  You’re dead on about Petrino, though.  Every year, some middlin’ to bad team scoops up the genius college coach and without exception he turns out to be far less prepared than any Belichick assistant.  In fact, the only one still in the NFL is Petrino.  I got a dollar says that’s temporary.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee
Van’s Pick: Tennessee
Bill’s gonna have jokes for this one…until Sunday night. Remember his blathering on about “trap” games last weekend? This is the trap game that all you gambling degenerates should avoid like water in Juarez. Right now, everyone is busy anointing Indy’s revamped defense like they were the second coming of Buddy Ryan’s berserkers of the ‘80s, when, in fact, they just matched up better against New Orleans. That won’t be true of Tennessee, a young team that plays to the level of their competition (see last week); this week, they step it up with a bruising rushing attack and a mobile QB, and Indy takes one on the chinstrap.

Bill:  So, using the magical Van Walker formula, Tennessee is a “better team” than Indy?  I cannot wait until Indy goes up three touchdowns and Vince Young has to PASS the Tuxedoes back into the ballgame.  I wish I could call you when that happens, but I know you are not scheduled to get phone service in your yurt until 2014.

San Francisco @ St. Louis
Van’s Pick: San Francisco
The simple truth is that St. Louis has sustained major damage on their offensive line, and what was once an asset is now a liability. More, they couldn’t stop Carolina last weekend; they won’t stop San Francisco this weekend. Steven Jackson will see 9 men in the box for the remainder of the season.

Bill:  I know you have a man-crush on NFC Offensive Player of the Year-to-be Alex Smith, but the fact is that he could not solve the Cardinals’ defense last week.  The Rams have an adjustment period here while they figure out how not to run behind Orlando Pace, but teams adjust to injuries, and any team that puts 9 in the box against Bulger had better beat him to the end of his five-step drop, because he will kill them for it.  By the way, did any player in the league show up smaller this weekend than Darrell Jackson?  I have never liked Jackson, but his effort and route-running are improbably worse than ever before.  How happy do you think Mike Holmgren is not to have to deal with him anymore?

Green Bay @ New York Giants
Van’s Pick: Green Bay
The Giants are old, injured, and fracturing from the inside. Green Bay has already shown a willingness to pounce on a wounded team, and they’ll do it again this weekend. This isn’t to say that I like Green Bay, but on defense the G-Men will get shoved around like freshmen in a varsity locker room. Green Bay’s rookie RB becomes the fantasy flavor of the week after this game.

Bill:  I think you’re on this one, but I cannot believe you passed up the opportunity to make fat jokes about Jared Lorenzen.  I didn’t, and I’m not done.  I’m going Pharcyde on you, about to write a rhyme called “Yo Quataback.”  “Yo Quataback is so fat…HOW FAT IS HE?...”

Buffalo @ Pittsburgh
Van’s Pick: Pittsburgh
I’d love to pick Buffalo. I really would. Marshawn Lynch is as good as advertised, and that defense deserved better than they got last weekend. But J.P. Losman is hopeless, and as long as he’s taking snaps, he gives the other guys a great chance to win. Pittsburgh will find points harder to come by this weekend, but they’ll score enough to win. Barely.

Bill:  Buffalo gets worked.  You have the spread wrong, but the reason right.  Somehow, J. P. Losman is entering his third year as a starting quarterback and everything continues to baffle him.  I was astonished by how bad he looked this week.  Do they have coaches in Buffalo?

Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Van’s Pick: Cincinnati
Bet the mortgage. Bet the 401K. Bet the kid’s college fund. Hit your neighbor in the head and take whatever he has in his pockets and bet that as well. This game has Mortal Lock Of The Century written all over it. Where to begin? Charlie Frye got benched before the half, went in at halftime, and found that his locker had already been cleaned out…and I’m pretty sure they played the second half with just 10 guys on offense and no QB. Browns GM Phil Savage and head coach Romeo Crennel will have to enter the witness protection program if Brady Quinn doesn’t play in this laugher.

Bill:  If Cleveland had simply kept their heads and behaved like an actual big boy club this week, we would be talking about this as a trap game.  We would look skeptically on a Bengals defense that forced no turnovers but got six of them anyway.  We would wonder aloud about a Bengals offense that, facing a crippled Ravens D, scored only two touchdowns despite having those six extra chances.  But Cleveland had to be Cleveland.  Don’t look now, guys, but your lake is on fire.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Van’s Pick: New Orleans
New Orleans didn’t match up real well with Indy. They will match up a lot better with the Stinkaneers. When are we going to stop giving Carnell “Mini Cooper” Williams so much man-love? If this guy was any good, we’d know it by now. As it is, he’s just one more overrated player on a roster full of them. Chucky’s about to get axed…

Bill:  How about Chucky gets axed, then signs up for another tour of duty in the Black Hole?  When Tampa does finally win a game, I will be fascinated to see how they did it.

Minnesota @ Detroit
Van’s Pick: Detroit
These teams will score at will, but Detroit has better weapons and more of them. Madman Martz’ Aerial Daredevils will delight the Ford Field faithful in a high-scoring affair.

Bill:  If this is a high-scoring affair, then the Lions are going to have to do it.  Turns out you spell the guy’s name “Tarvaris.”  I have heard so many pronunciations of it that I would have had no way to guess that.  Anyway, even if there was no defense on the field, Tavareous Jackson would be well-advised just to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson.

Dallas @ Miami
Van’s Pick: Dallas
This game will be closer than it should because Dallas’ defense has more holes in it than Michael Strahan’s prenup. Still, nothing at all wrong with Dallas’ offense, and they will simply outscore the hapless Fish Guts.

Bill:  Not likely to get tired of Strahan divorce jokes, are we?  Look for Dallas’ O and D both to come back to the middle.  The middle, by the way, is far more than it takes to beat the Fish right now.  I hung out with my buddy Todd on Sunday.  Todd is a huge Dolphins fan.  He had absolutely nothing to say about them that I can print here.

Seattle @ Arizona
Van’s Pick: Seattle
Ken Whisenhunt goes into his office at Arizona and finds that former head coach Dennis Green left him three envelopes. One said “0-3,” one said “0-6,” and one said “2-14.” When the Cardinals got to 0-3, he opened the first envelope and found a note that said “blame it on me.” When he got to 0-6, he opened the second envelope and found a note that said “blow a gasket during a press conference; blame the Grassy Knoll shooter, blame Halliburton, blame Osama bin Laden, blame everybody in sight.” When he finished the season at 2-14, he opened the third envelope and found a note that said, “First, you get yourself three envelopes…”

Bill:  That’s funny, but A) What have you seen out of Seattle to make you believe? and B) Don’t you want to give the Cards credit for run-blocking and playing some D on Monday night?  I saw a lot more out of the O-line than I expected, and in a questionable division, I think the Cards are ready to make noise now.  This is not to say they win more than 6 games, but they will be in them this year.

New York Jets @ Baltimore
Van’s Pick: New York Jets
Jonathan Ogden is done, which means that Willis McGahee finds himself in exactly the same situation he just left in Buffalo: a lousy offensive line and 8 men in the box. Ray-Ray is done, which means that the defense is soft up the middle. The Man-genius, after getting Man-handled last week by the Signal Stealer, restores a little shine to his smarter-than-the-next-guy image, when in fact his team is just healthier. (And, uh, by the way, for a guy who appeared on “The Sopranos,” doesn’t Mangini know what happens to a guy who rats out a Jersey guy?)

Bill:  Chad Pennington has already failed to survive a game this year, and Baltimore still has the horses to get after him.  I am not crazy about Kyle Boller, but I will take him over Kellen Clemens, I will take McGahee over Thomas Jones and I will take Ed Reed by himself over the whole Jets D.  Ravens it is.

Kansas City @ Chicago
Van’s Pick: Chicago
Oh. My. Goodness. Paraphrasing Peter King, the Bears beat the stink off the Chargers for 44 minutes last weekend. This weekend, they welcome a one-dimensional Chef team that got slapped around at home last weekend by Houston. It won’t matter if Rex Grossman plays with graphite on his hands again this weekend, or if Sensitive Cedric gets his feelings hurt when Lovie Smith gives Adrian Peterson the ball for the entire second half, because an angry Bears defense is going to stomp a Lake Michigan mudhole into the Chiefs’ offense. Damon Huard will be found curled up in the fetal position under the visitor’s bench, weeping softly, and Herm Edwards will have to threaten Larry Johnson at gunpoint to finish the game after the first series.

Bill:  Whatever.  Enjoy your bye week.

Oakland @ Denver
Van’s Pick: Denver
This game will be a lot of fun for Bronco fans and no one else. Jay Cutler will provide a lot of excitement in this game, some of it unintended, but a lot of it through the air to Javon Walker and Brandon Marshall, and even big ol’ Tony Scheffler stops by for a cameo. This one’s over by halftime.

Bill:  Maybe Al Davis is Cthulhu.  You know my spell check does not think “Cthulhu” is a word?

San Diego @ New England
Van’s Pick: New England
See, if anyone else was coaching San Diego, I’d like them to sneak into New England and steal one while the team is distracted by the signal-stealing scandal being called “The Patriot Act” in many newspapers. The problem is that Norv Turner is coaching them, and he didn’t exactly cover himself in glory with the way he misused LT last weekend; this weekend, he tries to let Philip Rivers match Tom Brady bomb for bomb, only to find that Brady’s toys are a lot better.

Bill:  I heard a lot of commentary about Belichick this week, and how the NFL should suspend him like they do players who cheat.  They fined him like a suspension, but he still gets to coach one of the league’s best teams, even if he is doing it for free.  How about this: Belichick has to coach the Chiefs for four weeks for free, whoever gets more games right this week between Van and I gets to coach the Patriots, Herm Edwards coaches the Raiders and Lane Kiffin gets an early start on his new life as a UPS delivery guy.

Washington @ Philadelphia
Van’s Pick: Washington
There’s no excuse for Philadelphia’s loss last weekend. There will be even less excuse for their loss this weekend. Their overwhelmed defense will make a star out of Jason Campbell, and both of the Redskins’ RBs have a field day running through a pillow-soft front. It sez so right here that the Iggles need to go down the yellow brick road, see the wizard, and get a heart.

Bill:  The Redskins’ ship has sailed.  The Beagle is gone, off to discover evolution (Dear Coach Gibbs:  That’s E-V-O-…), and they are not on it.  It sez so right here that the ‘Skins are astonished at how good even an average NFL team turns out to be.

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